Dilbert says, "Amber, would you like to see a movie that one of us will undoubtedly hate?" Dilbert says, "I only like movies with superheroes, geeks or robots. You probably only like movies with tears, diseases and weddings." Dilbert says, "Does my honesty turn you on?" Amber says, "I just stopped liking mammals."
Dilbert: I need a doctor's note for the two days of work I missed." Doctor: You look healthy to me.
Dilbert: I got better.
Doctor: how do I know you were sick?
Dilbert: The note just needs to say I was sick.
Doctor: so you want me to lie?"
It's not a lie. I really was sick. Medical
Doctor: If your company doesn't trust you, why should I?"
Dilbert: Good point.
What if I let the people in your waiting room cough on me? Then you can write a note saying I have what they have.
Doctor: As long as I didn't recommend it. I think that passes ethical muster."
The Boss: You have nine diseases?"
Dilbert: That have names.
dogbert: i'm dogbert, doctor of the impossible.
boss: does that mean you cure diseases that are believed to be impossible to cure?
dogbert: no, that sounds boring. i prescribe treatments that are impossible to follow. when you fail you don't get better. you'll think it's your own fault.
boss: how does that help anyone but you?
dogbert: hey, i'm not the one who brought it up.
boss: you're giving me a headache.
dogbert: to cure that, i suggest ice-cold baths every six minutes.
dilbert gets political
Dilbert: Id love to have you and whats her face come to my little dinner party.
Dilbert: I like to do a little gourmet cooking...when I'm not raising money to battle unpopular diseases.
Carol: Is it just me or are the other guest crash dummies?
Dilbert: Its just you.
How Great Products are designed
The Boss: Go talk to marketing.
Dilbert: Groan
Dilbert: Dave, tell me what marketing wants the new product to do.
Dave: It has to have a 45 inch screen and still fit in a purse or a wallet.
Dave: It needs to act as a communications satellite as well as a room fresher.
Dilbert: uh...
Dave: it must cure deadly diseases and whoyten your teeth while you sleep!
HAHA! and it has to be capable of time travel!! and have a telepathic user interface!
Slap!
Dilbert: I could write a program that makes fish appear on the computer screen,
DAVE: yeah a lot of people want that.
Coworker: I'm the new bad apple. I'll be joining your project. In the interest of full disclosure, this is totally contagious. Wally: I'm immune, but not for reasons I'm proud of. Coworker: You must be Wally.
Company Economist Man says, "In 2010 the economy will collapse and the world will plunge into darkness." Man says, "You will all be eaten by cannibals who will, in turn, die from the diseases that riddle your bodies." The boss says, "Please never talk again." Man says, "I get that a lot lately."
Boss: Ted, your performance is poor. I need to let you go. Ted: Is it a coincidence that you're firing me at the same time my employee health monitor detected cardiovascular disease? How good are the predictive analytics on this? Boss: Don't make lunch plans.
dogbert at laptop: according to your private data in the cloud, you have a mild case of asthma.
dilbert: you can see my personal health data?
dogbert: see it? hahaha! i can do more than that!
dilbert: what is more than that?
dogbert: i can edit it. you have six new diseases now.
Dilbert: Would you like to join me for lunch?
Woman: I don't even want to be in the same zip code as your diseased mouth. No offense.
Dilbert: None taken.
