Doing Hood Comic Strips
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The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "Introducing 'Morale Money.' Now you can earn money for doing good work." The Boss continues, "You can use it at the company store to buy products that have our logo." Dilbert is at the company store's cash register holding a mug. The employee says, "The coffee mug costs ten million morale dollars."
The Boss says, "I can't sign off on this plan. It's too expensive." Man says, "You heard me say that doing nothing will end up costing you twice as much, right?" The Boss says, "Yes." Man says, "And you understand that this is your only alternative?" The Boss says, "I have another meeting. Maybe Dilbert can explain it to you." Dilbert says, "Um... okay. I'll try." Dilbert says, "My boss doesn't understand that costs should be compared to alternatives." Dilbert says, "Oh." Dilbert says, "Teamwork means you can't pick the side that's right."
Dilbert says to Dogbert, "I spent my entire fortune to buy this supercomputer." Dogbert asks, "What does it do?" Dilbert replies, "It can calculate the value of pi to about a jillion decimal places . . ." Dilbert continues, "A lot of people TALK about the areas of circles, but I'm DOING something about it."
Dilbert drives his car and thinks, "Motorist in distress up ahead." A woman in a car asks, "Can you help me, young man?" Dilbert replies, "Have no fear, I'm an engineer." Dilbert looks under the hood of her car and says, "Hmm . . . Yes, I see . . . Try it now." The woman tries to start the car and says, "Nothing." Dilbert says, "Okay, try it now." The woman gets out of the car and looks over his shoulder. The woman says, "Hey, you're not doing anything but fiddling and poking at things!" The woman continues, "In fact, there's nothing in here that you could conceivably fix with your bare hands. My God, you men are frauds!!" The woman continues, "It's lucky I'm out of gas; you might have caused an explosion!!"
Dogbert says to Bob the Dinosaur, "I heard you were doing some baby-sitting, Bob." Bob responds, "Yeah! I did the Morton triplets last night." Bob says, "It's not easy to juggle three screaming toddlers." Dogbert says, "When you say 'juggle' . . ." Dilbert hands Bob the phone and says, "It's the Mortons with a question about their ceiling fan."
The Boss peers into Dilbert's cubicle and asks, "Could you do a demo of the new product for our VP next week?" Dilbert says, "Well . . . That would delay the ship date, lower morale and create an unending demand for more unproductive demos . . ." Dilbert continues, "Logically, since your objective is to show that we're doing valuable work . . ." The Boss interrupts, "And we'll need a banner that says 'Quality.'"
Ratbert walks across Dilbert's desk and says, "You know what's funny? I'll tell you." Ratbert continues, "You're working hard. I'm doing nothing. In a hundred years we'll both be dead." Dilbert says angrily, "You might not need to wait that long." Ratbert says as he walks away, "I think I'll spread some joy over this way."
Asok stands behind Alice's desk and says, "I am young and inexperienced, so please excuse this naive question, Alice . . ." Asok continues, "You spend hours every day 'doing e-mail.' How does this contribute to net after-tax earnings?" Asok stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "Today I learned that Alice can stuff my entire body into one shirt sleeve."
The caption says, "Buying a car." Dilbert sits across from a car salesman's desk. The salesman says, "You're one tough negotiator." Dilbert replies, "Thanks." The salesman says, "It only took you four hours to get me all the way down to the manufacturer's suggested retail price." The salesman cries, "There's no profit left!! My family will go hungry!!" The man bawls. The salesman stops crying and says, "Sorry. I assume you want the rust inhibitor coating for only $500." Dilbert replies, "Um . . .Yeah. Rust is bad." The man jumps up and shouts, "Yes!! Ka-ching ka-ching!" The salesman says, "Sorry. We also have an invisible spray that protects against scurvy and tax audits." Dilbert replies, "Well . . . Okay." The salesman says, "Initial here if you want your airbag to be full of fresh aspen air instead of gravel." Dilbert reads the contract and says, "Only $600." Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "And the lease terms are engraved on this free hood ornament!" Dogbert replies, "Be glad they didn't install it."
The Boss hands Dilbert a piece of paper. The Boss says, "This is urgent. Stop what you're doing and work on it right now." Dilbert looks at the report. Dilbert says, "Is it more urgent than what I was doing?" The Boss says, "I don't know what you were doing." Dilbert says, "Exactly. So how could you know if this is more urgent?" The Boss says, "Tou could work late and do both." Dilbert says, "Work late? Is this more important than my health?" The Boss grabs the piece of paper. The Boss says, "Forget it! I'll have Alice do it." Wally looks over the cubicle wall. Wally asks,"Just out of curiosity what ARE you doing?" Dilbert says. "Playing "Quake"."