Employee Monitoring Comic Strips
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512 Results for Employee Monitoring
View 1 - 10 results for employee monitoring comic strips. Discover the best "Employee Monitoring" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday May 11,
2014
Tags #efficiency experts, #employee tracking, #wandering aorund, #meetings, #restroom trips, #employee monitoring, #wrist monitor, #low levels of caffeine, #typos up, #beat authority figure, #tablet computer, #danger signals, #workloads
Transcript
Boss: Okay, let's see how employee 3452378 is doing. According to our employee tracking system, you have wandered around the office 17% more than the average employee. Dilbert: Maybe I have more meetings than most people. Boss: No, most of the difference is in restroom trips and detours past an attractive woman's desk. Your wrist monitor shows unacceptably low levels of caffeine for your workload. That's probably why your typos are up 9% and you have looked away from your workstation nine more times than last month. Now your wrist monitor indicated a desire to bean an authority figure to death with his own tablet computer. Phew! Your brain's wuss subroutine just kicked in. The danger has passed.
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Saturday March 26,
2011
Tags #prejudice, #universities & colleges, #updating employee profiles, #school. indian institute of technology, #double major, #engineering, #false humility, #combined thesis, #terraformed planet
Transcript
Carol says, "Hey, Asok. I'm updating our employee profiles. Where'd you go to school?" Asok says, "I graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology in Lucknow with a double major in engineering and physics, and a minor in false humility." Asok says, "For my combined thesis I terraformed a planet in another dimension and didn't tell anyone." Carol says, "I'll put 'Indian.'"
Friday May 27,
2011
Tags #mobile (cell) phones, #surveillance, #security, #employee locator device, #smarthone, #questions, #text to yourself
Transcript
Boss: Security says your employee locator device isn't turned on. Dilbert: My what? Boss: I think you call it your smartphone. Dilbert: I might have some questions. Boss: Put them in a text to yourself. I'll read them later.
Wednesday October 05,
2011
Tags #cruelty, #employees, #employee of month, #october 1929, #room to grow, #past date, #past month, #business
Transcript
Boss: Congratulations, Asok. I'm naming you employee of the month. Your month is October 1929. Room to grow.
Saturday April 07,
2012
Tags #business ethics, #agreements, #deals, #existence, #empire, #seem larger, #paycheck, #fair plan, #awful world, #balckmail, #boss, #employee
Transcript
Wally: IF you agree to give me no work, I will agree to not sue you with some sort of bogus employee claim. My existence will make your empire seem larger, and stockholders will get stuck with the bill for my paycheck. Boss: Why does that seem like a fair plan? Wally: We live in an awful world.
Saturday June 09,
2012
Tags #business ethics, #employee parking, #inconvenience, #by design, #personal errands, #intention suffering
Transcript
Dilbert: The employee parking situation is terrible. I had to park a mile away. Catbert: That's by design. The inconvenience removes your temptation to run personal errands during the day. Dilbert: You're intentionally making my life more difficult? Catbert: What do you think management is?
Thursday July 19,
1990
Tags #Dilbert, #japanese, #technology, #advantages, #japan, #employee, #exchange
Transcript
Dilbert stands across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "We can no longer compete against the Japanese with their technology advantages." The Boss continues, "So we're sending you to Japan on an employee exchange program." Dilbert asks, "To learn their technology and bring it back here?" The Boss replies, "Just do for them what you've done for us."
Thursday November 15,
1990
Tags #dilbert's ego, #sunglasses, #personality, #toupee, #roy orbison, #rely, #employee, #store, #update, #image
Transcript
Dilbert's Ego: I'm Dilbert's ego. I'd like to update image with a toupee. Male Employee: I recommend the, "Roy Orbison," Model. It comes with sunglasses. Dilbert's Ego: Now I won't have to rely so heavily on my personality,
Saturday January 26,
1991
Tags #the boss, #Dilbert, #employee meeting, #wilson, #recognition, #twenty-hour, #overworked, #success
Transcript
The Boss gestures toward an employee and says to Dilbert and another man, "I'd like to recognize Wilson for working twenty-hour days and making the project a success." The man says, "Thanks, but I'm not Wilson. He quit months ago." The Boss says, "Oh . . ." The Boss walks away thinking, "I've got to sop calling this the employee recognition program."
Friday June 14,
1991
Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #employee, #drug, #testing, #program, #turning, #positive, #Classic, #symptoms
Transcript
The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and a woman, "I'm discontinuing the employee drug testing program . . ." The Boss shows Dilbert a document and says, "Because my own tests keep turning out positive . . . Which makes me suspect that some wise guy has tampered with the medical computer." Dilbert says, "Denial and paranoia . . . Classic symptoms." Wally asks, "Is he 'high' right now?"