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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 02, 2007's comic on:

Tags #absurd aasignments, #cartoonist, #comic embarrasing, #cubicle, #evaluate technology, #fire him, #no economical applaication, #new job

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Catbert: We have a report of a cartoonist in Cubicle 45950. His comics might embarrass the company. "We can't fire him because it would look bad. You must give him absurd assignments until he quits." The Boss: "Your new job is to evaluate technology that obviously has no economical application." "Woo hoo!"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 26, 2011's comic on:

Tags #prejudice, #universities & colleges, #updating employee profiles, #school. indian institute of technology, #double major, #engineering, #false humility, #combined thesis, #terraformed planet

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Carol says, "Hey, Asok. I'm updating our employee profiles. Where'd you go to school?" Asok says, "I graduated from the Indian Institute of Technology in Lucknow with a double major in engineering and physics, and a minor in false humility." Asok says, "For my combined thesis I terraformed a planet in another dimension and didn't tell anyone." Carol says, "I'll put 'Indian.'"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 20, 2011's comic on:

Tags #computers & peripherals, #language, #no longer undertsnd, #employees, #to of touch, #technology, #gravitons, #warp drive, #rebalanced, #subspace responders, #business

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Boss: I no longer understand anything my employees say. I must be so out of touch with technology that I don't even recognize the words. Wally: I flushed the gravitons out of the warp drive and rebalanced the subspace responders.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 21, 2011's comic on:

Tags #engineers, #laziness, #project budget, #new technology, #slow learner, #expensive

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Woman says, "You used the entire engineering portion of my project budget just learning the new technology." Wally says, "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you." Wally says, "Some say I'm a slow learner, but I like to think of myself as expensive."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 16, 2011's comic on:

Tags #choosing, #meetings, #creative ideas, #next prodcut, #ignorance on public disply, #cost money, #increase risk, #evaluate each idea, #disdain, #good idea

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Boss: We need creative ideas for our next product. But not from you. Your ideas are awful. And don't suggest something that is already being done. That just puts your ignorance on public display. I don't want to hear any ideas that cost money or increase risk. As usual, I'll evaluate each idea by repeating it slowly while I look at your with disdain. If you come up with a good idea, I'll let you take on the project in addition to your existing work. Who wants to go first? How did I hire so many people who have no ideas? Catbert: Probably bad luck.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 17, 2011's comic on:

Tags #writing, #writing materials, #five technology plan, #plan for ceo, #pie chart

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Boss: I need you to put together a five-year technology plan for our CEO. Dilbert: Sure. How about "tomorrow will be the same as today, and next year will be all flying cars and whatnot." Boss: Word it up and put a bow on it. Dilbert: I'll add a pie chart for the sizzle.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 11, 2012's comic on:

Tags #cloud, #email, #internet speak, #lingo, #meetings, #pretending, #text, #understanding technology, #wi fi, #skype

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Boss: Did you get the email I texted to you? Co-worker: What? That doesn't even make sense. What the heck is wrong with you? Dilbert: Let it go. He slips in and out of understanding basic technology. Boss: Do we have enough room in the cloud for Skype? Because if we don't, we can store some files on the wi-fi. Dilbert: I got this. We have plenty of space because we upgraded to a cumulonimbus cloud. Boss: Very good. Moving on.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 21, 2012's comic on:

Tags #context, #do nothing, #office equipment, #scenario, #technology plan

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Boss: I can't sign off on this technology plan because I don't understand it. Dilbert: To be fair, you wouldn't understand any technology plan, including the "do nothing" scenario. Is this one of those cases where context isn't helpful?

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 19, 2012's comic on:

Tags #interviews, #senior year, #college, #launch start ups, #lifelong learning, #technology certifictae, #relevant to field, #uneducated, #more experience then boss, #education

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Applicant: I skipped my senior year of college to launch my first of three start-ups. I believe in lifelong learning. I have every technology certification relevant to my field. Boss: He's uneducated.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 10, 2012's comic on:

Tags #better job, #goldilocks zone, #managers, #marinate in own stench, #monster, #skills expire, #technology certifictae, #training, #your training

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Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.