Failure Estimate Comic Strips
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The Boss says, "Can you get me some failure estimates for our next gen product?" Dilbert says, "I can if you like numbers that are based on hallucinated assumptions." The Boss says, "I kind of do." Dilbert says, "I think we have an understanding."
Boss: Failure is the raw material of success. From now on, I will celebrate your failures. Dilbert: Will you still be taking credit for our successes? Boss: That part stays the same. I'm only trying to increase the contrast to your failures.
Alice: Seriously? You're going to do email while I give my status update? Boss: Don't worry. I can multitask. Alice: Multitask? you can barely do one task properly. All you're doing is doubling your rate of failure. Congratulations on becoming the most useless blob of carbon in the universe. Boss: What? Sorry. I missed that. Alice: I said my project is on schedule. Boss: Okay. Great. Alice: This totally works for me.
Boss: Ted can explain what you need to do before the platform upgrade. Dilbert: No he can't. Ted's brain is where knowledge goes to die. He's not good at explaining things. The knowledge might be in his brain, but it's trapped there. Unfortunately, Ted's incompetence is so unbelievable that you literally don't believe me. In time, you will assume that Ted taught me well but I forgot all of it. I'm doomed before I start. Let's just declare failure and move on. Boss: That works for me. Dilbert: Partial victory.
Dilbert leans over a table looking at a glass container. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "My terrarium experiment is a failure." Dilbert continues, "By now it should have started its own self-contained weather patterns." Dilbert continues, "After all this waiting, it's just so . . . so . . ." Dogbert asks, "Anti-climatic?"
Dilbert sits at his desk working on his computer. Dilbert says, "One more clever move and I will have written the perfect computer program." Dilbert throws his arms over his head and yells, "Yes!" Dogbert yells, "Spike it in the end zone!" Dilbert throws his computer on the ground and breaks it. Dogbert says, "Another failure of the sports metaphor."
Dilbert sits at his desk. A woman says, "Dilbert, I need you to stop everything and do this emergency budget exercise." The woman explains, "Estimate the budget impact of replacing all the engineers with decorative plants." The woman says, "Later, I'll summarize everybody's inputs into a bullet point, like 'oxygen is good.'" Dilbert asks, "Would these be rented plants?"
Dogbert sits on a park bench with a woman and a little boy. The woman says, "Our school system is a complete failure, Dogbert." Dogbert asks, "Why's that?" The woman replies, "The schools should be preparing these kids to be scientists and engineers. That's the only way our economy will prosper." The woman continues, "Instead, we'll be a nation of maids and janitors." Dogbert replies, "Yeah, but think how clean it will be."
Wally says to the Boss, "I don't understand how the new reorganization will help us 'focus on our core business.'" Wally continues, "Did our core business change? Or are you saying that EVERY reorg prior to this was a misdirected failure?" The Boss asks hypothetically, "Wally, when a car gets a flat tire, what do you do?" Wally answers, "Well, if I'm you, I rotate the tires and drive home."
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Dogbert sit at a conference table. Dilbert says, "On the advice of my dog, I'm asking for an additional ten million dollars for my project." Dilbert continues, "That will make a more spectacular failure, thus guaranteeing a promotion for me." The Boss replies, "As your boss, I'd get recognition too . . . Okay." Wally asks Dogbert, "Wow! Do you have any advice for me?!" Dogbert replies, "Breath mints."