Gap Analysis Comic Strips
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The Boss tells Wally: "I want you to perform a Gap Analysis for our department." He continues: "Be completely honest." Later, Wally reports: "The Gap is located between two pointy tufts of hair that move about the office."
Wally: Here's the analysis you asked me to do. Coworker: Oops. I forgot to tell you, I don't need this anymore. Wally: What? I did all of that work for nothing? Coworker: Wait... this is nothing but... gibberish. Wally: That is a separate issue.
Lessons in Investing. Boss: You should buy a stock whenever the chart looks like a squirrel sitting on a clown's shoulder. That's called "technical analysis." Asok: I'm not going to do that. Boss: Good. Because it doesn't work if everyone does it.
boss: put some numbers on this decision so it looks a if we thought about it longer. asok: are you seriously telling me to do the analysis after the decision? boss: if you need help, talk to one of the experienced liars in the department.
Boss: Do a cost analysis for consolidating our data centers. No matter what the data says, make sure your conclusion is that it's a good investment. Dilbert: Remind me why I went to college. Boss: Some liar probably convinced you it was a good investment.
Dilbert: I finished the fraudulent analysis you requested to support the decision you already made. It's a total betrayal of shareholders and a slap in the face for anyone who values rational behavior. Boss: Thanks. That's exactly what I wanted. Dilbert: You're welcome.
Boss: Wally, I can't give you a raise because you accomplished nothing this year. Wally: That's okay because I make a fortune investing in penny stocks. Do you want some hot stock tips? Dilbert: Did you get a raise. Wally: No, but I narrowed the gap between his income and mine.
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk and says, "As your consultant I'll be able to unleash right-brain potential in your employees." Dogbert continues, "They'll learn to find creative answers, not just rely on left-brain quantitative analysis." The Boss asks, "Which part of the brain do we use for meetings?" Dogbert replies, "That would be the stem."
The caption reads, "The problem . . ." Dilbert enters looking frazzled and says to the Boss, "We're so under-staffed that the project is six weeks behind schedule." The caption reads, "The analysis . . ." The Boss looks pensive and thinks, "I can't add people . . . I can't change the due date . . . I can't ignore it." The caption reads, "The result . . ." Dilbert says to Wally and Alice, "He wants daily status reports until the situation improves." All three look overworked and disheveled.
The Boss hands Dilbert a sheet of paper and says, "From now on, salaries will be based on your predicted success, not your past performance." While Dilbert reads the report, the Boss says, "We ran a computer model against your education and DNA information. We predict you'll die in a stapler mishap within a week." Dilbert asks, "What if I disagree with this prediction?" The Boss points at Dilbert and says, "Write up your opinion and staple it to the analysis."