Golf With Ceo Comic Strips
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Dogbert the consultant says to the Boss, "I golf with your CEO." Dogbert continues, "For a million dollars I can accidentally bean him with a golf ball." The Boss replies, "He always wears a helmet." Dogbert answers, "Not in the clubhouse."
Asok: I'm nervous because I need to make a presentation to our CEO. Do you have any advice? Wally: Don't make eye contact with him. He hates that. Asok: You have made things far worse! Wally: He also flies into a rage when he hears the word "the."
Dilbert: Im taking my business case too some venture capitalists. Im hoping that their wisdom and resources will make it a billion dollar company. Dilbert: Would you like some free stock? Dogbert: BAH! Dilbert: What would I do without the support of my loved one? CEO: What would the cash flow look like if.... ....Revenue was zero, microsoft and IBM entered the market , your factory burned down and a piano fell on your head? And what about civil unrest, lawsuits, natural disasters and locusts? Dilbert: ...Then the little one slapped me. Dogbert: Now RE_E_EL them in.
CEO: I decided to hire a co-CEO to share the job with me. Dilbert: I assume you know that having a co-CEO does not mean you get paid the same while working half as much. CEO: Can I fire you? Co-CEO: No, we need a third CEO to break the tie.
Boss: We're consolidating our marketing into a shared services model. Asok: Why? Boss: Change creates the illusion that we have a strategy while giving our CEO an excuse to fire a VP who beat him at golf. And blah, blah, something about money. Asok: Must... not... cry... on the outside.
Dogbert: Imagine I invented a new technology for fracking. It involves grinding poor people into a slurry and pumping it into shale at high pressure. Do you see any problems with that? CEO: Not enough shale! CEO Morality Test
Asok: Would you accept some constructive criticism from a humble intern? CEO: Activating eye lasers! Asok: It stings for a few minutes, and then you surprise yourself with what you can get used to.
Boss: Our CEO says I need to motivate you with a feeling of engagement, not higher pay. The long-term goal is to get you to pay us for the privilege of working here. I heard words I didn't know were words. CEO: Try giving her more engagement.
CEO: You might be wondering why I called this meeting. Dilbert: Well, I see a CEO, a company lawyer, and two salespeople. Those jobs are highly correlated with psychopathy. My guess is that you invited me here to disembowel me. CEO: It was rhetorical!
CEO: Experts say we need to empower employees with "values." So I guess we need some values, whatever the heck those are. Boss: I think it's like "Don't run with scissors." CEO: Let's start with that and see if they stop asking for raises.