Hi Tech Industry Comic Strips
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Standing on a desk Dogbert says to the Boss, "Your new CEO is the most powerful woman in the hi-tech industry." Dogbert contiues, "I recommend exploiting her fame in your advertisements." Holding a bikini set attached to a hanger, the Boss replies "Why do I have to be the one to suggest it?" Dogbert answers, "CEOs love this sort of thing."
Dogbert: "You need to change the company's name to create the illusion of progress." "The name should be hi-tech sounding with a hint of onomatopoeia that signals your total lack of awareness." "Maybe something like 'Duhflushtech, inc.'" "I like it!"
The Boss and Bruce walk by a cubicle. The Boss says, "We don't have a cubicle available for you yet, Bruce." The Boss says, "So I'm declaring this part of the carpet to be your office." The Boss says, "If someone goes to a meeting, you can sneak into his cubicle and use the phone." The Boss says, "Our computer budget is gone, but we have an old monitor that you can put on top of your briefcase." Bruce says, "Can I put tape on the carpet to mark my boundary?" The Boss says, "That won't be necessary, thanks to this hi-tech device." Bruce says, "A dog collar?" The Boss puts the collar around Bruce's neck. The Boss says, "It will give a mild shock if you cross your invisible boundary." Alice says, "The new guy hasn't left that spot for a week." Dilbert says, "Wally taught him to beg for food."
Tina: It is hard to be a woman in this industry. Dilbert: I'll let you take this one. Wally: Got it. I'm short, bald, and nearsighted. I have no ambition, and I have all the sign of being a sociopath. I am unattractive and too old for the tech industry., I am shaped like a sad turnip and I do not make people laugh. Alice: What are you hens clucking about now? Tina: I can't begin to tell you how much I want to change the subject.
Dilbert: I know the job market is highly competitive, but was it really a good idea to hire a career criminal? The Boss: Relax. He's just doing internal tech support. Paul: I'll need all of your passwords to update your software. Alice: Have you met my fist of justice?
boss: dogbert, i need you to train asok to fill in for you on tech support. dogbert to asok: the goal of tech support is to convince the caller the problem is on their end. i do this by recommending increasingly difficult things for them to try. eventually they give up, watch and learn. dogbert on call: uh-huh... uh-huh... try rebooting your computer. now try it again while holding control -escape-space bar- delete for exactly 27.3 seconds. no luck? try looking at your computer's binary code to find any zeros and ones that are out of order. click dogbert: and he's gone. asok: genius!
Dogbert: I researched how long your customers will stay on the phone trying to get tech support before giving up. Then I designed an audio menu tree that will take them slightly longer than that to reach your tech support. I've seen your user manuals and I assume that you hate your customers' guts. Boss: It's more of an apathy thing.
Boss: Our goal is to grow the top line by 20%. Dilbert: How will we do that with products that aren't competitive in an industry that isn't growing? Wally: Does it involve crime? Dilbert: If it does, blink once.
Wally: One percent of engineers create all of the industry - changing products. I propose replacing the other 99% with robotic arms that hold coffee cups. You won't see any of the laggards in the 99% come up with great ideas like this one.
Dogbert: I'll manage your portfolio for a standard industry fee of 1% per year. Wally: I'm investing a billion dollars. Your fee would be $10 million per year. Dogbert: Those index funds aren't going to pick themselves.