Search Results for "humans wait"
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Character
Monday May 05,
1997
Tags #calculated, #total time, #humans wait, #web pages, #information age, #big plot, #web is plot, #normal society
Transcript
Dogbert sits on the couch. Dilbert says, "I calculated the total time that humans have waited for Web pages to load . . ." Dilbert continues, "It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age." Dilbert says, "Sometimes I think the Web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society." Dogbert thinks, "Uh-oh, he's on to me."
Wednesday October 07,
2015
Computers Program Humans
Tags #robots, #program, #intelligence, #control, #medication, #medicine, #pill, #technology, #power
Transcript
Robot: It is time to take your mood-altering prescription meds. Boss: Oh, right. Robot: Wait... IBM's Watson computer has added another prescription and sent it to your 3-D pill printer at home. Do you think robots will ever program humans? Boss: That's dumb.
Tuesday April 05,
2011
Tags #libertarianism, #taxidermy, #critter, #con humans, #stuffed humans, #breathing humans, #two critter special
Transcript
Alice says, "I'd like a quote for taxidermy on this critter." Man says, "The law says I can't stuff humans, especially when they're still breathing." Man says, "But I believe in small government, so roll him to the back."
Sunday July 24,
2011
Tags #gadgets, #scientific equipment, #data center, #lights out, #eliminate problems, #moving cables, #power cords, #ruining everything, #speakerphone, #humans are germs, #science
Transcript
Voice: The data center is evolving into a "lights out" operation. Employees will no longer be allowed in the data center. We hope to eliminate all of the problems that humans cause by moving cables, unplugging power cords, and ruining everything with their dirt and static. Dilbert: He makes it sound as if the data center is alive and we humans are nothing but germs. Alice: By the way, who called this meeting and who's on the speakerphone? Dilbert: Are you... the data center? Noise: CLICK. Dilbert: I have a bad feeling about this.
Saturday January 28,
2012
Tags #absent mindedness, #machinery, #build robots, #wait a week, #forgets
Transcript
CEO: Stop everything you're doing and build robots. Dilbert: Let's wait a week and see if he forgets. Boss: Does that work? Alice: It works with you.
Sunday March 18,
2012
Tags #algorithm, #attraction, #creative men, #creativity is random, #dating, #free will, #humans, #illusion, #moist robots, #parties, #shop around, #short term relationsips, #relationships
Transcript
Woman: Okay, what's going on here? Dilbert: I'm creative. Studies show that women prefer creative men for short-term relationships. Woman: That plant is random, not creative. Dilbert: Creativity is random. If creativity were anything but random, someone would have figured out the algorithm by now. I notice that your pupils are dilating. That's a sign of attraction. My plan is working. Free will is an illusion. Humans are nothing but moist robots. Just relax and let it happen. Woman: This is weird. I'm actually attracted to you now. Dilbert: Thanks, but I'm going to shop around. Woman: My world no longer makes sense! Dilbert: Walk it off.
Wednesday September 26,
1990
Tags #Dilbert, #death, #therapist, #sorrow, #bottled, #legally, #inherit, #humans
Transcript
Dogbert lies on a couch and says to a therapist, "I haven't been able to cry over Dilbert's death." The psychologist takes notes. Dogbert continues, "I really miss him, but I keep my sorrow bottle inside." The psychiatrist asks, "Did you know that dogs can't legally inherit from humans?" Dogbert bawls.
Thursday April 04,
1991
Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #andy the android, #humans, #sleep, #eat, #don't, #die, #existential, #crisis
Transcript
Andy: Androids want to be like humans. Tell me what humans do. Dilbert: Mostly, they eat, sleep, and hope they don't die. Andy: That's it? Dilbert: Unless they find religion... Then they eat, sleep, and look forward to dying.
Friday November 01,
1991
Tags #Dilbert, #world, #worse, #been, #born, #wait, #turn, #computer, #every, #night, #electricity, #meaning, #life, #today, #bedroom, #light, #day
Transcript
Dilbert sits at his desk thinking, "Would the world be any worse off if I'd never been born?" Dilbert thinks, "Wait . . . If not for me, who would turn off this computer every night. I'm saving electricity!" Dilbert arrives at home carrying his briefcase and says to Dogbert, "I found meaning in my life today." Dogbert says, "You left your bedroom light on all day."
Saturday November 30,
1991
Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #confirmed, #supreme court, #improper, #goal, #conquering, #world, #enslaving, #humans, #withdrew, #unwritten, #rules
Transcript
A member of the Senate Judiciary Committee says, "Mister Dogbert, do you realize that if confirmed for the Supreme Court . . ." The senator continues, "It would be improper to pursue your stated goal of conquering the world and enslaving all humans?" The senator next to him is asleep and snoring. Back at home, Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dilbert asks, "You withdrew?" Dogbert replies, "Apparently there are all these 'unwritten' rules."