Dilbert types, "Your ignorance seems to have no limit. Your opinions are idiotic." Dilbert continues typing, "Your personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. Your family is ugly." He enters, "Send e-mail." Peering over the cubicle wall, Wally says to Dilbert, "You're mighty brave in cyberspace, Flame-boy." Dilbert replies, "Step inside."
Dilbert sits at his computer at home, dressed in a bathrobe and looking unshaven. He types, "Day two of telecommuting is going smoothly. I have eliminated all optional habits of hygiene." Dilbert continues typing, "My co-workers are a fading memory. I am losing language skills. I talk to my computer and expect answers." Dilbert types, "For reasons that are unclear, my dog wears a gas mask and shouts tarzan-like phrases." Dogbert stands behind Dilbert wearing a gas mask and yelling, "Kreegah! Bundalo!"
Dogbert walks into The Boss's office with a piece of paper. Dogbert says, "I've been hired by an employee who just resigned." Dogbert explains, "I'll be his stand-in for the exit interview." Dogbert stands on The Boss's desk. Dogbert says, "I'dl ike to begin by discussing your senseless slaughter of the english language." Dogbert reads from the paper, "....And on April 8, you were heard saying, "We have to nip that problem in the butt." Dogbert says, "Now lets talk about your stellar leadership." Dogbert reads, "Your inspirational motto is....." Dogbert shakes his fist and yells "If I want you to do something that's a waste of time, it's my perogative!" Dilbert reads, "Moving on to hygiene..." The Boss muses, " I am probaly one of those misunderstood geniuses."
"I save so much time by not shaving that Im considering giving up all forms of hygiene."
"I'd phase into it by having a few unwashed telecommuting days per week."
"And if you wear clown shoes, you never need to clip your toenails."
"I should be writing this down."
The Boss: "Our core values are service, intergrity, respect, teamwork, responsibility, trust, diversity, value, honesty, fun, passion, fairness and excellence."
wally: "How should we deal with the inherent conflicts? I mean, what if I want to be irresponsible in a fun and passionate way?"
The Boss: "You have to do all of them."
"I notice that hygiene didn't make the list.
Dilbert says, "I'll need a letter of reference to apply for a job in another division." The Boss sits at his desk and says, "No problem." The Boss writes a letter. It says, "...For a man of his hygiene. He doesn't steal as much as you think. I suspect he's on drugs." The new manager says, "And then he says you're prone to anger and denial. Is that true?" Dilbert is angry and waves his arms in the air and screams, "NO!!"
Dilbert: "Exhibit 'A' is my empty lunch bag, last seen full."
"Only the people in this room had the motive and the opportunity."
"Inspector Dogbert will investigate."
Dogbert: "Sniff. You were in the mail room with Willy the mail boy all morning. You are innocent."
"Sort of."
"Sniff. I give you a 'C+' for hygiene but you did not take the lunch."
"Sniff. Bologna...potato chips...carrot sticks...ha!!!"
"This is the thief who took the decoy lunch...which we laced with synthetic female hormones!"
Wally: "You can't prove anything!"
Dogbert: "Is there something you'd like to get off your chest?"
Alice is sitting at the Boss's desk. He tells her, "I can only give you a two percent raise this year, Alice." He adds, "Because your job was not very challenging." Alice asks, "How could you possibly not think it was challenging?" The Boss replies, "You exceeded all your goals without complaining." The Boss adds, "Compare that to Wally's performance. He complained all year." The Boss: "And he missed every goal! Now THAT'S a challenging job!" Alice shouts, "Wally is a filthy weasel!!!" As Alice leaves, furious, the Boss adds, "Maybe his hygiene isn't the best, but he was right when he said you would stab him in the back."
Dilbert sit with Ted at a conference table. Ted says, "Do you mind if I floss?" Dilbert says, "Yes. I would be thoroughly disgusted and hate you forever." Ted begins to floss. Ted says, "Well, I can't please everyone."
Carol: We're having a problem with the rats in the office. "
You might want to upgrade your level of hygiene from "rat bait" to "unwashed.""
"I think I just felt my first tingle of job satisfaction."
