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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 18, 2003's comic on:

Tags #actual question, #delivery, #fantasize, #imaginary one, #plastic casing, #ripping moustache, #two week

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Dilbert: Did you order the plastic casings I need? They take two weeks for delivery. DIlbert: I see that you've cleverly avoided my actual question in favor of an imaginary one involving delivery times. Now Im fantasizing about ripping off your mustache and using it to shine your head. I hear that a lot.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 31, 2010's comic on:

Tags #human resources, #evil director, #meeting, #leadership, #empty promises, #imaginary, #work, #weekend, #promoted, #business

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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "Leadership is the art of trading imaginary things in the future?" Catbert says, "For real things today." Catbert says, "If you work all weekend, you might be promoted someday, if there's ever an opening... and no one else is more qualified."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 11, 2011's comic on:

Tags #fraternization, #internet & world wide web, #friends with ghoats, #real freinds, #imaginary ones, #idea is ridiculous, #ridiculous idea, #facebook freinds

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Dogbert: You need to create a product that gives people the illusion of being friends with ghosts. Boss: People only want real friends, not imaginary ones. Your idea is ridiculous. Dogbert: How many friends do you have on Facebook? Boss: Seven hundred. Why?

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 13, 2011's comic on:

Tags #administrative agencies, #project timeline, #waste one week, #set up meeting, #available in a week

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Dilbert: I estimated the project timeline by assuming that everyone involved will waste one week. Boss: That's a stupid way to do a timeline. Set up a meeting and I'll show you how it's supposed to be done. Carol: He's available in a week.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 19, 2011's comic on:

Tags #anger, #honesty, #moving, #new offcie, #sounds weird, #real one, #save the attitude

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Wally says, "I can't help on your project this week because we're moving to a new office." Dilbert says, "It sounds weird because it's true." Wally says, "I like to throw in a real one every now and then." Wally says, "You might want to save that attitude for the next round."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 05, 2011's comic on:

Tags #absent mindedness, #annoyance, #status upadte, #multitask, #one task, #doubling rate of failure, #useless blob of carbon

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Alice: Seriously? You're going to do email while I give my status update? Boss: Don't worry. I can multitask. Alice: Multitask? you can barely do one task properly. All you're doing is doubling your rate of failure. Congratulations on becoming the most useless blob of carbon in the universe. Boss: What? Sorry. I missed that. Alice: I said my project is on schedule. Boss: Okay. Great. Alice: This totally works for me.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 18, 2011's comic on:

Tags #anxiety, #monsters, #supernatural beings, #beware of bogeyman, #bad parenting, #one over par, #everyhole

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Asok: My mother always told me to beware the bogeyman. Dilbert: That was bad parenting. There's no such thing as the bogeyman. Boss: I was one over par on every hole. Let me tell you all about it.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 19, 2011's comic on:

Tags #employees, #ignorance (knowledge), #fire wally, #can't risk, #zeberpupin system, #only one, #program, #business

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Boss: I want to fire Wally, but I can't risk it. He says he's the only one who can program the Zeberpupin System. Catbert: Are you sure that's true? Boss: It must be. No one else has even heard of it.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 2012's comic on:

Tags #apology, #bald, #business ethics, #company lawyer, #discrimination, #lawyers, #nearsighted, #one billion, #short, #statue

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Lawyer: I've been asked to settle your claim of discrimination against the company. Your complaint is that they discriminate against you for being short, bald, and nearsighted. I might have a conflict of interest, but my final offer is one billion dollars. Wally: Plus a statue and an apology. Company lawyer.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 15, 2012's comic on:

Tags #confusing, #multiple pages, #public speaking, #real words, #small text, #unpersuasive, #computer, #desk, #no one can read, #technology

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Dilbert: Do you want me to put the chart on one page, which would make the text too small for you to see? Or do you prefer a multiple-page approach that is confusing and unpersuasive? Boss: It's probably better if no one can read it. Dilbert: I won't bother using real words.