Insider Training Comic Strips

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

159 Results for Insider Training

View 1 - 10 results for insider training comic strips. Discover the best "Insider Training" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #rich people, #stock market, #victims, #insider training, #victimless crime, #rose bushes, #gardner, #money

View Transcript

Transcript

CEO: I did some insider trading and totally got away with it. It felt great! It was a victimless crime so I feel no guilt whatsoever. Dogbert: Do you know what victimless means? CEO: Yes. It's like the time I strangled my gardener for overwatering the rose bushes. Dogbert: I see the problem.

Training By Osmosis

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Training By Osmosis - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #the boss, #formal, #training, #job, #absorb, #osmosis, #idiot, #rest, #staff

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: We don't have formal training for your job. Just hang around and see if you can absorb it through osmosis. Man: I'm an idiot for taking this job. The Boss: You're already thinking like the rest of the staff!

Mandatory Training

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Mandatory Training - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #avoidance, #office, #office workers, #sarcasm, #training

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: You haven't finished the mandatory compliance training modules. Alice: I'm waiting for a strategic time to do them. Boss: Oh, okay. Want to go to lunch? Alice: I would love to, but I have training modules to do.

Dogbert's Sensitivity Training

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Dogbert's Sensitivity Training - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #office workers, #class, #training, #sensitivity, #offend, #kill, #hour

View Transcript

Transcript

dogbert: welcome to dogcart's sensitivity training dogbert passing out papers: today you will learn how to never offend anyone ever again class including dilbert: are you going to kill us? dogbert: no, no, no. after an hour of this class, you'll want to do it yourself.

Workflow Training

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Workflow Training - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business, #managers & supervisors, #office workers, #system, #technology, #training, #new

View Transcript

Transcript

boss: has everyone taken the new workflow system training? alice: yes, and we all concluded the new system is poorly designed and should be abandoned. boss: sounds like you need more training. alice: i meant to say we love the new system

Training Kicked In

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Training Kicked In  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bathroom, #boring, #business, #face mask, #meeting, #sarcasm, #technology, #training, #coffee

View Transcript

Transcript

wally: that slide deck in yesterday's meeting was lethally boring. luckily, all of my training kicked in. dilbert: and that training taught you to...? wally: go to the bathroom and never return.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business ethics, #taxes, #sociopth, #victimless crime, #insider information, #hedge fund, #split profit, #tax people

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert: The great thing about being a sociopath is that everything feels like a victimless crime. If you give me some insider information for my hedge fund, I'll split the profit with you. Think of it as a tax on people you don't know. CEO: That's the best kind!

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business ethics, #stock market, #hedge fund, #million dollars, #insider trading, #algorithm, #winning trades, #create algorithm, #eat fiber, #money

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert: I'll pay you a million dollars a year to work at my hedge fund. I'll do the insider trading and you pretend you created an algorithm that makes winning trades. Dilbert: What if I actually create the algorithm? Dogbert: Sure, and maybe you can eat fiber and make gold, too.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #big business, #budget, #contract employees, #training budget, #training, #contractor budget

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Out budget for contact employees was eliminated. We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. So instead of doing the job yourself... you'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. Dilbert: Why don't you just move some of the training budget to the contractor budget? Boss: If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. Dilbert: So... you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Boss: Right. Consultant: How do you stay in business? Boss: Our customers are even dumber than us.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #better job, #goldilocks zone, #managers, #marinate in own stench, #monster, #skills expire, #technology certifictae, #training, #your training

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.