The boss lies in a hospital bed. The boss is hooked up to complicated looking machine. A docter stands next to the machine. The doctor says, "The accident left him with no brain function whatsoever." The doctor says, "But that hasn't stopped him from talking." Dilbert says, "I'll drive him back to work." Dilbert drives the Boss. The Boss says, "If I double the length of our staff meetings, we'll accomplish twice as much!"
The Boss tells Ratbert, "You're being downsized, Ratbert. Fortunately, there's a generous retirement plan." The Boss continues, "Let's see . . . For your length of employment, at your grade level . . . You will get a wall calendar." Ratbert asks, "When do I get it?" The Boss says as he walks away, "As soon as I'm done with it."
It's good P.R. for the company when the CEO is a fearless adventurer. "Sounds dangerous." "Don't worry. I've asked chief financial officeer to be in charge of safety." "Okay who estimated the length of the bungee cord?"
The Boss says, "How long will your project take if I add two people?" Dilbert says, "Add one month for training, one month for the extra complexity, and one month to deal with their drama." The Boss says, "But after all of that?" Dilbert says, "They'll be as useful as this meeting."
Dilbert: When do you expect to come out with a new model?
Vendor: In about two months.
Dilbert: I'll wait and buy the new model.
Vendor: Did I say two months? I meant never.
Dilbert: Never? That must mean your company is going out of business and won't support this product.
Vendor: What's a length of time between two months and never that would cause you to buy now?"
Dilbert: One year.
Vendor: Our new model comes out in a year.
Dilbert: I'll wait until then.
Vendor: You're the worst customer ever."
Dilbert: Researchers discovered a way to double the perceived length of a human's life. It's something called "meetings." Boss: Can we start now? Dilbert: I though we were already an hour into it.
Boss: I'm getting wildly different estimates for how long it will take to write the software. Dilbert: Based on my experience, I say take the longest estimate and multiply it by three. Boss: Is experience exactly the same as pessimism? Dilbert: Experience is much worse.
Asok: I have 75 slides to discuss in ten minutes. Save your questions to the end. CEO: Sit down and never talk to me again as long as you live. Dilbert: How'd the CEO presentation go? Asok: It was 75 slides too long.
Carol: Are you worried about coronavirus because you're in a high-risk group?
Boss: Why would I be in a high-risk group?
Carol: Do you own a full-length mirror?
Boss: No. They make me look fat.
