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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 03, 2011's comic on:


Tags #couples, #dating, #play games, #guess the lie, #say 2 things, #dating games, #obvious things, #relationships

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Woman: Let's play a game. We each say two things about ourselves and the other has to guess which one is a lie. Dilbert: I love to play games like that. My second thing is that I eat food.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 08, 2011's comic on:


Tags #next is lie, #personnel officers, #planning layoffs, #questioning, #repeat question, #communication styles, #pattern of talking

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Dilbert: Are you planning layoffs? Boss: Am I planning layoffs? Dilbert: When you repeat my question it means the next thing you say will be a lie. Go. Boss: I love your stinkin' guts.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #lie, #detector, #flushed, #goldfish, #abe lincoln, #president, #mistakes

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Dogbert attaches wires to Dogbert's paws and head and says, "This lie detector will determine if you flushed my goldfish." Dilbert asks, "Name?" Dogbert answers, "Abe Lincoln." Dilbert asks, "Occupation?" Dogbert answers, "President." Dilbert asks, "Did you kill my fish?" Dogbert replies, "No." Dogbert says, "Lie detectors never make mistakes, do they?" Dilbert looks at the printout and says, "Uh . . . No, Mister President."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 06, 1994's comic on:


Tags #9000 crtification, #great on brochures, #certificates, #consistent process, #lie on brochures

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The Boss says, "I'm putting you in charge of getting our 'ISO 9000' certification." The Boss continues, "We don't know what it is but it looks great on brochures." Dilbert says, "I think it certifies that we follow a consistent process." The Boss says, "That's us, we always lie on our brochures."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 22, 1994's comic on:


Tags #quality contest, #everything is a lie

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Dilbert hands the Boss a report and says, "I finished our write-up for the national Millard Bullrush 'Quality' Contest." Dilbert says, "It took two weeks of otherwise productive time, and everything but our address is a lie." Dilbert asks, "Do you know what irony is?" The Boss replies, "I send my shirts to a service."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 01, 1996's comic on:


Tags #audit, #documented procedures, #divided, #two groups, #unethical, #unprodcutive, #train department, #lie to auditor, #document, #inane prcedures

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The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We'll be having an ISO 9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do." The Boss continues, "I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive." Wally tells Dilbert, "I'll train our department to lie to the auditor. You can document our inane procedures." Dilbert replies, "No fair. You did unethical last time too!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 18, 1997's comic on:


Tags #task force, #recruit, #smartest college seniors, #lie often, #real life experince, #meetings, #parties

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The Boss tels Dilbert, "You'll be on the task force to recruit the smartest college seniors to work here." The Boss says, "Remember, don't lie often. And don't mock them for their lack of real life experience." The college student, unshaven, says, "so you're saying meetings are just like parties?" Dilbert replies, "Well, I'm not allowed to say orgy..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 09, 1994's comic on:


Tags #ask dilbert, #attractive, #bad hair, #engineers can't lie, #hairdo, #insults woman, #make ship date, #technical questions, #truth, #bugs are features

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"I brought Dilbert, in case you have any technical questions about our product." "Heh-heh...engineers don't know how to lie. The truth will be mine." "Uh-oh." "Ted said your product is bug-free. Is that true Dilbert?" "Well, yes, that's true." "I mean, basically true. Technicaly true. Sort of." "No-o-o!! It's a lie! All the bugs were reclassified as security features just to make the ship date!!" "And we both think you could be attractive if you'd just do SOMETHING with your hair." "Why did I bring you along?" "The evidence suggests that you're stupid."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 14, 1995's comic on:


Tags #accomplishments, #who gets raises, #lie about achievments, #favoritism, #minimizing accomplishments, #billion dollars, #impossible, #verify, #invisible rust, #gets raise, #three people

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The Boss tells Alice, Wally and Dilbert, "Write up your accomplishments so I can decide who gets raises this year." Wally asks, "Are you saying our raises will depend on our ability to lie about our achievements?" The Boss replies as he walks away, "No, there's also favoritism." Dilbert says, "And don't forget the importance of minimizing the accomplishments of others." Dilbert sits at his desk and types, "This year I saved a billion dollars in ways which are impossible to verify." Wally types, "While the others plotted against you, I was applying an invisible rust inhibitor to your car." Alice says to Wally and Dilbert, "I can drop those off for you." Dilbert says, "Thanks." Dilbert asks Wally, "Have you noticed she's the only one who ever gets a raise?" Wally replies, "It's as if she has the accomplishments of three people."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 17, 1996's comic on:


Tags #ethical question, #low quality product, #timely fashion, #lie about prodcut, #bugs are fixed, #assistant, #dogbert smacks rat bert

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Dogbert sits on the couch backrest. Dilbert says, "I have an ethical question, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "I'm here to help." Dilbert asks, "Is it better to give customers a low quality product in a timely fashion . . ." Dilbert continues, "Or is it better to lie about product availability until the bugs are fixed?" Dogbert snaps his paw and replies, "I will need my assistant, Ratbert, to address your ethical question." Ratbert stands next to Dogbert on the backrest. Dogbert says, "Let's say Ratbert is a trusting and innocent customer." Dogbert slaps Ratbert on the back and says, "Suppose somebody abuses his trust like this . . ." Ratbert falls between the couch cushions. Dilbert sits with his leg crossed under him and looks at Ratbert. Dilbert asks, "How does this relate to my situation?" Dogbert replies, "To be honest, I wasn't listening to you."