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Dilbert points a video camera at Dogbert and says, "Let's see some emotion, Dogbert." Dogbert says, "I need to be in the mood." Dilbert says, "Remember when it looked like 'E.T.' died, but really he didn't?" Dogbert sniffs like he is about to cry. Dilbert says, "The neighbor's cat says you're fat." Dogbert says angrily, "The fool!" Dilbert says, "Imagine you won an academy award for 'Best Dog.'" Dogbert looks surprised and says, "Me?!!" Dilbert says, "Imagine some frozen lavatory waste from a passing jet crashes through the roof and flattens me as I film this." Dogbert falls over and laughs. Dilbert asks, "Is that sorrow? It doesn't look like sorrow." Dogbert thinks, "Oops."
Dogbert sits at a desk and says, "Here's how your marketing department can help retain your best engineers." The caption says, "Marketing gets an idea." A man points to a diagram and says, "We'll leverage our technology by building ant farms." The caption says, "Spreadsheets make the idea look profitable." The Boss and the man sit at a conference table. The man says, "The ant milk alone will be a positive NPV!" The Boss replies, "Wow!" He thinks, "What's an NPV?" The caption says, "Don't forget the 'worst case scenario.'" The man says, "Worst case, somebody builds a gigantic magnifying glass next door." The man contines, "Solution: bite-sized ant jerky!" The Boss says, "There's no risk!" The caption says, "An engineer will be assigned to the project." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Ant farms! Do it!" Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The caption says, "The engineer will challenge the assumptions." Dilbert says, "You can't get a gallon of milk from an ant!" The Boss asks, "What do YOU know about marketing?" The caption says, "Result: the engineer will never leave the company." An interviewer asks Dilbert, "So . . . Your current job is 'Ant Farm Engineer'?" Dilbert thinks, "I'm doomed."
A man sits in his cubicle thinking, "It's time to use my speakerphone to do voice mail." The man thinks, "I can't remember if I use the speakerphone because I'm inconsiderate or because I'm too stupid to know how annoying it is." The man thinks, "I'll leave that question to the philosophers." The man screams, "Hi. Thanks for the information. Talk to you later!!!" The man shouts, "Did I tell you about my cyst?" Dilbert hears the man yelling and sends an e-mail message that says, "Dogbert, send Bob the Dinosaur quickly!" Bob says to the building security officer, "I'm here to deliver a wedgie." The man replies, "Use the service elevator." Dilbert sits at his desk humming while the man next to him screams as Bob gives him a wedgie. Dilbert presses the elevator button and asks Bob, "What's the best part - the look on their faces or the way they yell?" Bob replies, "I'll leave that question to the philosophers."
Caption: "Catbert: Evil H.R. Director" Catbert remarks to Alice, "You look stressed out, Alice." Catbert says, "I could fix that by becoming a champion for improvements in the workplace." Catbert says, "Or I could give you a little booklet called 'Stress No More'." Catbert says, "Hmm.. I wonder which way is best." Alice reaches for booklet. Alice reads, "'Stress is your body's way of saying.." Alice continues, "'..You haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.'" Alice starts to get mad. Catbert says, "I've never seen a woman's forehead ignite her hair before."
The boss, Wally and Dilbert are in a meeting. The boss has a sheet of paper and a pen on the table. The boss says: "We have the best employees in the world..." The boss says: "...not counting the people who refuse to work here because the pay is so low." The boss thinks while writing something: "Improve morale... done." Wally and Dilbert look away.
The Boss: "The vendor is sending their best negotiator." "You must use all of your engineering training to resist her tricks and look only at the facts." woman: "And if you agree to infinite liability, you get a .00001% chance of dating me. Plus a minute to play with an unidentified gizmo."
Dilbert: The headphones we make are the best in the industry. Man: Our marketing campaign will focus on how they cure brain tumors and raise your IQ. Dilbert: They don't do any of that. Man: This is exactly why we don't let engineers do marketing.