Manage Comic Strips
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boss wearing face mask: we need to manage with data! dilbert wearing face mask: do we have any useful data? boss: not really. dilbert: so...actually we need to get data before we can use data. boss: we don't have time for your analysis paralysis! dilbert: i think you're taking both sides of the same argument. you insist on using data, but you don't want to wait for data. boss: it's called leadership. you wouldn't understand. dilbert: oh, i think i do. boss: stop being such a mask hole.
The Boss says to Dilbert, "I've decided to manage by physical intimidation. If somebody says something stupid I'll just smack them." Dilbert says, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." The Boss hits himself in the head. Dilbert thinks, "On the other hand, maybe I should give it a chance."
Dilbert sits in his cubicle. He asks Dogbert, "How could the Elbonians afford to buy this company? Their whole country is just mud." Dogbert imagines a television screen showing an Elbonian holding a container with the figure "$119.95" above him. Dogbert answers, "They packaged the mud and sold it as a cosmetic on the 'Couch Shopping Network.' They made trillions." Hugging his knees to his chest, Dilbert comments, "At least they know how to manage resources." Dogbert replies, "They sold their entire country in little jars. Most Elbonians perished in molten lava at the Earth's core."
Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dogbert says, "Most business plans fail. Obviously, success is not a realistic goal." Dogbert continues, "But the people who manage the most spectacular failures get promoted first because of their experience." Dilbert says, "That is the most cynical thing I've ever heard in my life!" Dogbert replies, "Thanks. I'm blushing."
The Boss tells Dilbert, "I've decided to abandon logic and manage by cliches." The Boss continues, "It won't be easy, but I'll take it one bird at a time." The Boss continues, "And remember, the customer is always right-handed." Dilbert says, "This is actually an improvement."
The Boss stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "I can't let you telecommute because then I wouldn't be able to manage you." Dilbert replies, "You're managing me right now, and all it's doing is preventing me from working." The Boss asks, "And your point would be . . . ?" Dilbert replies, "Just beyond your grasp."
The boss meets with Asok, Wally and Dilbert. The boss says, "Overtime is no longer mandatory." The boss says, "It's required." Asok growls. The boss thinks, "I manage and I manage, but nothing seems to make them happy."
Catbert stands on The Bosses desk and says, "Your compensation is related to the number of people you manage." Catbert says, "Likewise, my career as director of human resources depends on the quantity of employees." Alice and Dilbert look at a group of dumb people. Alice says, "It's as if there were a conspiracy to hire hordes of incompetent employees."
Dogbert stands on The Boss' desk. Dogbert says, "I can teach you to manage your time more efficiently." Dogbert continues, "Put all of your high priorities on one list and your low priorities on another." Dogbert finishes, "Then do everything on both lists even if it kills you. Otherwise you're a freakin' loser."
CEO says...: The CEO is sitting at his desk showing a folder to the Senior VP. The CEO says to the Senior VP: "The research supports my strategy." The CEO hands the folder to the Senior VP and says: "You can read the research but don't make copies." Senior VP says...: The Senior VP is holding the folder with both hands and says to the VP: "I can tell you about it but you can't read it." VP says...: The VP says to the Assistant VP: "I don't remember the reason but I'm sure there is one." Assistant VP says...: The Assistant VP is sitting at his desk and he says to the boss: "There's no reason." The boss, Wally and Dilbert are in a meeting and the boss says to them: "Our strategy is a huge mistake but we have to do it anyway." Dilbert is holding a suitcase and says to Dogbert: "After I fall asleep tonight, please smother me with a pillow." The CEO is sitting at his desk and thinks: "My people love me because I manage with data."