Management Software Comic Strips
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631 Results for Management Software
View 1 - 10 results for management software comic strips. Discover the best "Management Software" comics from Dilbert.com.
Monday April 19,
2010
Tags #question, #cubicle, #fix bugs, #control management software, #lie, #truth, #square dance, #ignorance, #pleaser
Transcript
The Boss says, "How long will it take to fix the bugs in our control management software?" Dilbert says, "Do you want a realistic estimate that will ruin your day, or a lie that will allow your ignorance and your happiness to lock arms and square dance to the next cubicle?" The Boss says, "That second option sounds festive." Dilbert says, "I'm a pleaser."
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marketing, project, cloud, catbert, leadership, budget, birthday, engineer, time sheet, sales, wally, strategy, dogbert, powerpoint, project management, topper, leader, boss, change, meeting, data, management, mordac
Wednesday August 01,
2007
Tags #management software, #track 3, #least valuable asset, #noise cancellation, #headphones
Transcript
The Boss: Wally, I bought Dogbert's Management Software to yell at you so I don't have to." "I recommend Track 3, titled 'You're my least valuable asset'." Dogbert: Who wants to buy Dogbert's noise cancellation headphones for bad employees?" "I need you less than my mousepad."
Sunday July 10,
1994
Tags #share accomplishements, #meeting, #share, #tiger team, #lock up session, #meeting cancelled, #nothing tangible, #busy work, #business
Transcript
The Boss: Let's each share our accomplishments for the month. Dilbert: To the untrained observer it might seem like I didn't accomplish anything. However, I did strategically "position" my project by socializing it within the company. Dilbert: Then Wally and I help a "tiger team" lock up session. Then I prepared the executive briefing package for the big meeting that got cancelled. Since then Ive spent most if my time looking for the best project management software to use. And I did it all within ten percent of my budget goal, Dilbert: Looking good. Wally: wow all I did was that tiger thing.
Monday March 16,
2009
Tags #frustrated, #angry, #stupidity
Transcript
The boss says, "Get us some risk management software." Dilbert says, "What can risk management software tell you that common sense and experience can't?" The boss says, "Data." Dilbert says, "Stop failin the turing test!"
Tuesday March 17,
2009
Tuesday July 31,
2007
Tags #management problems, #solve by yelling, #buying software
Transcript
Dogbert: There are two kinds of management problems. "There's the kind you can solve by yelling and the kind you can solve by buying some sort of software." "That's why I created 'Some sort of software that yells'." The boss: "Ooo!!!"
Sunday March 16,
2008
Tags #archaic sayings, #bite the hand, #cost of measuring, #direct deposit, #measuring incorrectly, #rock carving, #software development, #web design, #wise sayings
Transcript
The Boss: My management philosophy is 'measure' twice, cut once. Dilbert: That only makes sense in a narrow, and generally archaic, set of conditions. In software development, the item being cut, metaphorically speaking, is often plentiful and inexpensive. In many cases, the cost of measuring incorrectly is low compared to the time wasted doing two measurements before every action. Your philosophy is better suited for rock carving than web design. Do you have any wise sayings that involve churning your own butter, or putting saddles on dinosaurs?" The Boss: Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Dilbert: I have direct deposit."
Friday February 27,
2015
Selling Bad Software Is Like Crime
Tags #big business, #business, #criminals, #user interface, #software, #lower tax rate, #engineering
Transcript
Dilbert: Our tests show that people can't figure out how to use our software. And yet we still sell it. How are we different from criminals? Boss: Our tax rate is lower.
Wednesday August 19,
2015
Software Killed Ted
Tags #invention, #software, #free will, #behavior, #murder, #anger, #glitch, #malfunction, #control, #self control, #psychology, #engineering
Transcript
Boss: I have a report that you killed Ted in a cafeteria brawl. Dilbert: Not exactly. My brain stimulator had a software glitch, and it made me homicidal for a minute. Boss: So... you're a murderer, right? Dilbert: Software killed Ted. I was only the weapon.
Friday February 17,
2017
Management Fast Track
Tags #talent, #management, #potential, #frustration
Transcript
Boss: Dilbert, our CEO asked me to put you on the management fast track. Dilbert: Why does he hate me so much? Boss: He didn't say, but I have a lot of guesses if you want to hear them.