Dilbert says to the garbage man, "I've been miserable since I made my fortune in the stock market . . ." The garbage man replies, "It's the 'Law of Found Money.' Nature won't allow us to keep money we find on the ground or win by chance. Don't resist; let your intuition guide you." Dilbert stands in a computer retail store writing a check. He asks the salesclerk, "This comes with a color monitor, right?" The salesperson stands in front of a supercomputer labeled, "Gray 9. Only $10,000,000."
Dilbert looks a tape measure and tells the Boss, "Just as I thought, my cubicle is two inches smaller today than yesterday!" The Boss says, "We installed real-time status adjusters in the cubicle walls. Sensors monitor your work and adjust the cubicle size according to your value." Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit in cubicles that are so small they can barely fit inside them. Wally says, "It's amazing how fast you get used to it."
Dilbert sits at his computer and Antina appears in the door of his cubicle. Antina is muscular, has short hair and is wearing a tie and a skirt. She says, "Hi, I'm Antina the Non-stereotypical Woman." Antina observes, "That computer monitor you're using is supposed to be 17 inches, but it's more like 16.5 inches." She continues, "I took the coffee machine apart just for fun - want to see?"
Catbert stands on a monitor and says, "Are you stressed out, Wally? I have a solution." Catbert continues, "Start smoking. That way you'll have frequent company-sanctioned breaks throughout the day." Wally asks, "This is your strategy for downsizing, isn't it?" Catbert offers a pack of cigarettes to Wally and says, "Try it, you big wuss."
Dogbert says, "Should the Dinosaurs be downsized? You decide their fate." Bob, Dawn and Rex stand to one side looking worried. Vote by email: dinosaurs@unitedmedia.com A: I love the dinosaurs! B: Stick to office jokes! C: No talking animals! D: I don't have an opinion, but I like to vote! E: Get rid of everyone so I can use the blank space for notes. Ratbert says, 'There's a Jimmy Carter here to monitor the voting." Dogbert says, "Uh-oh."
Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Man in suspenders says, "As our newest partner, you'll get the least desireable assignments." Man in suspenders says, "We'll load you in the consultant cannon, shoot you to the client's site and monitor your progress." He loads Ratbert, who wears a hemlet, into a cannon. Ratbert says, "The window is more to the left." The man moves the cannon. The man in suspenders says, "The client is more to the right."
Catbert stands on a desk facing the Boss. Catbert says, "We'll take away the cubicle walls and force emplyees to work in an "open plan" office." Catbert says, "Surveillance cameras will record their every move. We'll monitor phone calls and web use. We'll even test their blood!" The Boss says, "Can we flog them?" Catbert says, "Whoa, cowboy! Wait for phase two."
"Here's your new cubicle: the Cuborg 2000."
"It's a self-sufficient workspace and life support system."
"These tubes attach to various parts of your body so you never have to leave."
"Various parts?"
"Let's just say you don't want to get these two tubes mixed up."
"We'll monitor your vital signs from a central location."
"The company nurse?"
"No; the human resources department, in case we have to do some emergency hiring."
"Is it upgradeable?"
"Yeah, the Cuborg 3000 is expected to have air holes."
Dilbert: The image ins fuzzy because the monitor has an acute design flaw.
Tina: Acute? Thats an unusual choice of words.
Would you have said "acute" to a mle co worker? I think not.
Dilbert: It means crucial, thats all.
Tina: I know what the word means! Do you think UI odnt see right through your sexist puns?
Dilbert: No! I swear . it was just a poor choice of words!!
Tina: Well...okay. I accept your apology this time.
So whats wrong with the other monitor?
dilbert: which?
Designing a Call Center
Catbert: Give the employees six minutes of bathroom breaks per shift.
The Boss: Tiny cubicles and we'll monitor calls and have incompatible objectives such as speed and customer service.
=
Wally: Hows the project going?
Dilbert: Im still collecting the abuser requirements.
