Murder Employees Comic Strips

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541 Results for Murder Employees

View 1 - 10 results for murder employees comic strips. Discover the best "Murder Employees" comics from Dilbert.com.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 12, 2014's comic on:

Tags #cruelty, #executives, #work ethic, #acting ceo, #murder employees, #start up, #unprofitable, #ridiculous jargon, #wishful thinking, #luck, #show off, #management fad

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CEO: I heard that while you were acting CEO you... murdered nine employees, bought an unprofitable start-up and embraced a new management fad that is nothing but ridiculous jargon and wishful thinking. No one likes a show-off. Boss: I swear it was just luck.

13 Percent Employees Engaged

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13 Percent Employees Engaged - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 23, 2015's comic on:

Tags #employee, #employees, #engagement, #motivation, #global survey, #engaged at work, #business

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Boss: A global survey says only 13% of employees feel engaged at work. Dilbert: If you're wondering which one of your employees is engaged, it's this guy. Boss: We need ten more just like him. Dilbert: I think I just figured out what's wrong with the rest of us.

Murder By Car

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Murder By Car - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 2018's comic on:

Tags #self-driving cars, #technology, #murder, #invention

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Wally: The pointy-haired boss is testing our self-driving car prototype. Hey, didn't you write the operating system for that prototype? Dilbert: Yes. Wally: Hypothetically, could you murder him from a distance? Dilbert: We shouldn't have this conversation. Narrator: Continued.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 03, 2011's comic on:

Tags #executives, #interviews, #ceo's interview series, #company priftable, #credit, #overpaid and useless, #dumb employees, #highest bidder, #blackmail, #interview

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Dogbert says, "I don't like people." Dogbert says, "What makes your company so profitable?" CEO says, "I give all of the credit to our fine employees." Dogbert says, "Is that another way of saying you're overpaid and useless?" CEO says, "Um... no. I'm their leader. I set the direction." Dogbert says, "Because the employees are too dumb to set their own direction?" CEO says, "No! They're smart!" Dogbert says, "But not as smart as you?" CEO says, "Who's going to see this?" Dogbert says, "No one, assuming you're the highest bidder." Dogbert's CEO Interview Series

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 20, 2011's comic on:

Tags #computers & peripherals, #language, #no longer undertsnd, #employees, #to of touch, #technology, #gravitons, #warp drive, #rebalanced, #subspace responders, #business

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Boss: I no longer understand anything my employees say. I must be so out of touch with technology that I don't even recognize the words. Wally: I flushed the gravitons out of the warp drive and rebalanced the subspace responders.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 11, 2011's comic on:

Tags #competition (psychology), #inventions, #facebook, #robot arm, #talented employees, #giant condescending facebook

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Catbert says, "Facebook has created a giant robot arm to steal talented employees from other companies." Catbert says, "It's here!!!" Catbert says, "No, it looks like we got the giant condescending Facebook robot arm instead."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 26, 2011's comic on:

Tags #frustration, #laziness, #writing materials, #pile, #busget numbers, #print again, #think murder

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Boss: I need your latest budget numbers. Dilbert: I put them on that pile yesterday. Boss: I don't have time to look through a pile. Go print it out again. Dilbert: How many times per day is it okay to think about murder? Wally: I'm up to six and it's only lunchtime.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 10, 2011's comic on:

Tags #money, #prices, #aggressive jerks, #underpaid nerdling, #give her a raise, #nice employees

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Dilbert: I read that aggressive jerks get paid more than nice employees. Alice: Step aside, underpaid nerdling! Boss: Remind me to give her a raise, and I don't know why.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 15, 2012's comic on:

Tags #big business, #budget, #contract employees, #training budget, #training, #contractor budget

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Boss: Out budget for contact employees was eliminated. We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. So instead of doing the job yourself... you'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. Dilbert: Why don't you just move some of the training budget to the contractor budget? Boss: If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. Dilbert: So... you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Boss: Right. Consultant: How do you stay in business? Boss: Our customers are even dumber than us.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 1990's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #urget, #memo, #employees, #important, #competitive, #proactive, #quality, #items, #pounding, #tingly, #day, #off

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Dilbert sits at his desk reading a memo. Dilbert reads, "Urgent memo to all employees:" Dilbert says, "Uh-oh. Looks important." Dilbert continues reading, "If we are to remain competitive, you must proactively improve quality on all actionable items!" Dilbert says, "Wow! That was inspiring. My heart is pounding. I'm all tingly . . . I'd better take the rest of the day off . . ."