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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 09, 2007's comic on:

Tags #tesks, #intern, #anti meeting spell, #traffic estimates, #barraged with questions, #fights ensue, #new service, #web application, #all technology, #internet bubble, #platform

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Asok: "I didn't have time to finish my tasks for this meeting." Wally: "No problem." "If you get cornered, read this powerful anti-meeting spell." "Asok, did you finish the traffic estimates?" Asok: "Um...I was wondering if our new service is Web 2.0 or Web 1.0." "Obviously it's a Web 2.0 application because of the tag-based folksonomies." "No it isn't. All of our technology existed before the Internet bubble." "'When' doesn't matter. It only matters that we use the Web as a platform!" "Everything is a platform!" Asok: "Freaky."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 14, 1990's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #auto service, #question, #change oil, #new oil, #second, #option

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Dilbert enters an auto service store and says to an auto mechanic, "Just a quick question: is is necessary to change my oil . . ." Dilbert continues, ". . . Or can I just keep letting it run dry and then add new oil?" The car mechanic looks shocked. The mechanic screams and falls to the ground. Dilbert looks at the reader and says, "I think the answer is going to be 'no' to that second option."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 31, 2003's comic on:

Tags #office relocation project, #lie, #no phone service, #new jobs, #look for new jobs, #not going well

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"The office relocation project is proceeding without any problems whatsoever." "GAAA!!! IT'S A LIE!!! OUR POSSESSIONS WILL BE LOST AND WE WILL HAVE NO PHONE SERVICE!!!" "I don't mean to worry anyone, but you should look for new jobs right away."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 21, 1992's comic on:

Tags #Dogbert, #mild, #flu, #normally, #survive, #brief, #developed, #empathy, #die, #afford, #ambassador, #class, #service

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Dogbert says to a patient on the examining table, "You have a mild flu, and normally you would survive." Dogbert continues, "However, in this brief visit I've developed no real empathy for you, so I've decided to let you die." The man asks, "Is there anything I can do?!" Dogbert replies, "Well . . . Unless you can afford my new 'Ambassador Class' service."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 07, 1994's comic on:

Tags #leaving compnay, #opportunites, #key pharses, #we regret, #years of service, #footnote

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The Boss: "Tim will be leaving the company to pursue other opportunities." "Note the absence of key phrases such as 'we regret' or 'years of dedicated service.' And notice that his new opportunity is not called 'exciting'." Dilbert: "I think you're reading a little too much into that announcement." The Boss: "No, I'm reading the footnote."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 28, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dogbert, #friend, #service, #questions, #accidentally, #borrowed, #tool, #lethal, #trap, #qualified, #sea monkeys

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The sign over Dogbert's desk reads, "Dogbert's Find-A-Friend Service." A man says, "I'd like to find a friend." Dogbert says, "Have a seat." Dogbert says, "I need to ask a few questions, so I don't accidentally match you with somebody who's too good for you." Dogbert says, "One: When a friend doesn't return a borrowed tool, do you? a: Make sarcastic comments; b: buy a new tool; c: set a lethal trap." The man answers, "C: Set a lethal trap." Later, Dogbert reads the results of the test and says, "I'm afraid you haven't qualified for a normal friend . . . I could set you up with somebody who's new in town, but it wouldn't last." Dogbert says, "There's one option . . . Two, if you count growing sea monkeys." The man stands at Dilbert's door. Dilbert says, "Yes, I hate sea monkeys too. Who are you?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 2003's comic on:

Tags #new faces, #introductions, #asok the intern, #signed to everyone, #conference room, #upsetting introductions

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The Boss addresses a meeting, "I see some new faces, let's go around the table and introduce ourselves." Asok starts, "I'm Asok, the intern." Asok points to The Boss and says, "I report to you." Asok points to Alice and says, "But I also report to Alice on a dotted line." Asok points to Carol and says, "And I report to Carol, on a fuzzy, thin line." Asok continues, "I have a blinking, irregular line to Wally, and a wavy, brown line to Dilbert." Alice begs, "Please... make this stop." Asok continues, "And a disturbing, imaginary line to a food-service cashier who touched my hand while giving me change."

Introducing The New Hire

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Introducing The New Hire - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 31, 2018's comic on:

Tags #the boss, #new hire, #names, #introduction

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The New Hire New Hire: Can you take me around the office and introduce me? The Boss: No, that scheme won't work because it requires me to admit I don't know most of their names. New Hire: What's my name? The Boss: Um... Does it start with a letter?

New Year Resolution

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New Year Resolution - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 31, 2018's comic on:

Tags #holidays, #new year, #sarcasm, #weight, #new year's resolutions

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Carol: Do you have any New Year's resolutions? Dilbert: I resolve to not make major decisions about my life based on random calendar dates. Carol: So...nothing about your weight? Dilbert: Worst holiday ever.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 29, 2011's comic on:

Tags #fake press relases, #new green technology, #scientist, #2040 power home, #refrigerator door, #science

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Dogbert says, "I'm writing fake press releases for imaginary new green energy technologies." Computer says, "Scientists say that by 2040 you will be able to power your entire home with the breeze from your refrigerator door." Dilbert says, "Now how will I know which green breakthroughs are real?" Dogbert says, "Seriously? You think there are real ones?"