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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 15, 1996's comic on:


Tags #inert, #leadership, #morale boosting, #next phase, #pending merger, #praised with fear, #rigor mortis, #unmotivated

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Dilbert stands with his arms extended and says to the Boss, "I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger." Dilbert continues, "Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert." Dilbert says, "I think I'm advancing to the next phase. Hello, rigor mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!!" The Boss walks away thinking, "It might be time for a morale-boosting potluck lunch."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 07, 1999's comic on:


Tags #everything went wrong, #project wouldn't succeed, #for managers, #reverse amnesia, #project

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Dilbert pionts at the overhead. Dilbert says, "Everything went wrong in exactly the way I told you it would." Dilbert says, "In the next phase you will experience something I call "reverse amnesia for managers." The boss says, "Wait a minute; I'm the one who told you that the project wouldn't succeed."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 05, 2008's comic on:


Tags #count on cooperation, #scent of failure, #bath, #submerged, #fix it

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Dilbert says, "Can I could on your cooperation for the next phase of the project?" Woman says, "No." Woman says, "You emit the musky scent of failure. Women can detect that sort of thing." Dilbert says, "Would a bath fix it?" Woman says, "How long are you willing to stay submerged?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 17, 2011's comic on:


Tags #test phase, #meeting, #desk, #production phase, #being smart, #good feeling, #confident, #business

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Dilbert:you scheduled the end of the test phase after the start of the production phase. we're feeling confident. Dilbert: ist too bad that being smart doesn't come with some sort of good feeling like that.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 20, 2011's comic on:


Tags #excitement, #interviews, #wages, #interview, #less money, #worse job, #imagined better, #hald day, #next useless interview, #money

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Wally says, "How did your interview go yesterday?" Dilbert says, "Great!" Dilbert says, "They offered less money for a worse job. But for half a day I imagined it would be better." Wally says, "Half a day/! Lucky!" Dilbert says, "I know! I can't wait for my next useless interview!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 09, 2011's comic on:


Tags #absent mindedness, #computers & peripherals, #unix servers, #new servers, #new names

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Wally: This week I renamed all of the Unix servers to make them easier to remember. In phase one, the new names exist only in my mind. I won't know if they're easy to remember until next week. Dilbert: How are the new server names? Wally: I don't know what you're talking about. Next week.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 10, 2011's comic on:


Tags #anger, #quarreling, #mastered art, #being useless, #next level, #toxic, #toxic people, #complain, #personal problems

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Dogbert: Each of you has already mastered the art of being useless at work. It's time to take it to the next level. Today I will teach you how to be toxic. Toxic people talk about two types of things. One: bring up topics that are sure to cause others to fight. Two: complain about your personal problems at every opportunity. Your homework is to practice at work tomorrow. Wally: I mentioned to Alice that you think her plan is kind of lame.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 20, 2011's comic on:


Tags #hardware, #internet & world wide web, #next week balancing, #traffic loads, #network, #worst wingman, #shame

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Wally: Is it okay if I spend the next week balancing traffic loads on our newtork? Asok: I thought I told you that our hardware vendor already did that. Wally: Worst wingman ever. Asok: Shame is my name!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 16, 2011's comic on:


Tags #choosing, #meetings, #creative ideas, #next prodcut, #ignorance on public disply, #cost money, #increase risk, #evaluate each idea, #disdain, #good idea

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Boss: We need creative ideas for our next product. But not from you. Your ideas are awful. And don't suggest something that is already being done. That just puts your ignorance on public display. I don't want to hear any ideas that cost money or increase risk. As usual, I'll evaluate each idea by repeating it slowly while I look at your with disdain. If you come up with a good idea, I'll let you take on the project in addition to your existing work. Who wants to go first? How did I hire so many people who have no ideas? Catbert: Probably bad luck.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 08, 2011's comic on:


Tags #next is lie, #personnel officers, #planning layoffs, #questioning, #repeat question, #communication styles, #pattern of talking

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Dilbert: Are you planning layoffs? Boss: Am I planning layoffs? Dilbert: When you repeat my question it means the next thing you say will be a lie. Go. Boss: I love your stinkin' guts.