Nice People Comic Strips
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Job Interview. Boss; When I make hiring decisions, my biggest priority is cultural fit. Man: Your buzzwords are like music to my unemployed ears. And here come some employees who can tell me about your company culture. Boss: Uh-oh. Man: Hey, guys. Can I ask some questions about the culture here? Dilbert: Working here is like a paradise. Wally: Best place ever. Dilbert: Our days are full of laughter, hugging, and camaraderie. Wally: Coffee is free! Man: Wow. Thanks. I look forward to working here. Boss: ??? Dilbert: I didn't like that guy. Wally: I'm glad we got our revenge in advance.
Dilbert is sitting at his computer. The Boss walks up behind him and says, "We have to improve our image in the Internet community." Dilbert says, "Let's do a mass unsolicited e-mail campaign to tell people how nice we are." Dilbert comes home and looks very angry. Dogbert says, "You have the look of a man who was just put in charge of implementing his own sarcastic suggestion."
Dilbert hears someone knocking on his door. Dilbert opens the door and a man says, "Hi. I'm from the 'Organization for the Protection of Ugly People.'" The man continues, "We are dedicated to eliminating the stereotype of ugly people as 'smart' and 'nice.'" Dilbert says, "Okay, I'll make a donation." The man says, "Thanks, but this is a membership drive . . ." Dilbert sits on the hassock and says, "I'm never going to answer the door again." Dogbert asks, "He didn't recognize you as his god?"
Dilbert stands in front of a room full of angry people. The people shout, "We hate your plan!!!" Dilbert stands next to the overhead projector an points to the wall onto which "Real Plan" has been projected. Dilbert says, "Good, because the REAL plan is the opposite of what I just showed you." The people remain with their mouths wide open. Dilbert holds a worm. Dilbert says, "Who wants a nice worm?"
Tags #habits of highly defective people, #ignore signs, #belittle people, #newest team, #all complainers fault, #motivate me, #therapist, #controversial issues, #barney as mascot, #assembly line code, #prejudices, #crisp photo copy, #cpmics, #psychology
The panel contains the title, "The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People." The caption says, "1. Ignore any signs of discomfort in others." The Boss sits across the table from a dusty skeleton and says, "But hey, I've been doing all of the talking." The caption says, "2. Use humor to belittle people in public." The Boss puts his arm around a man and tells Wally, "Our newest team member has movie star looks. Specifically, Lassie." Wally laughs. The caption says, "3. Treat all complaints as the complainer's fault." Dilbert says, "You don't motivate me." The Boss replies, "Maybe you should see a therapist." The caption says, "4. Show up late and raise controversial issues." The Boss walks into a meeting room and says, "I think we should license 'Barney' as our mascot." The caption says, "5. Give advice on things you don't understand." The Boss points to Dilbert's monitor and says, "Try writing some assembly line code here." The caption says, "6. Use compliments to show your prejudices." The Boss says to Alice, "Ooh, nice crisp photocopy, Alice. I don't think a man could have done it better!" The caption says, "7. Think the comics are not about you." The Boss reads the newspaper and says, "Hee hee! Look at the hair on that guy!"
Tags #business language, #competetive, #salary increase goodbye, #core business, #lost, #empowered, #unimportant deciosns, #reengineering, #essential, #people person, #canibal, #hire trained people, #market driven, #balme cutsomers, #value employee input, #hour, #important
Dogbert sits at a desk. The panel is titled "Business Language Explained." Someone says, "We have to be more competitive." Dilbert and Wally wear barrels instead of clothing. Wally says, "Nice barrel." Dilbert replies, "This old thing?" The caption says, "Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases." Someone says, "We must focus on our core business." The Boss feels his head and says, "Hello." The caption says, "Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands." Someone says, "You are empowered." Alice sits at her desk wearing a crown and saying, "I proclaim this to be 'Green Ink Day.'" The caption says, "Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions." Someone says, "We're reengineering your function." A man and a horse are kicked out an office window. The caption says, "Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on." Someone says, "Training is essential." A man at a desk asks, "You were a cannibal?" A man wearing a grass skirt and a bone in his hair replies, "I'm a people person." The caption says, "Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people." Someone says, "We're market driven." A woman doing research asks a man, "What's your favorite odor?" The caption says, "Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation." Someone says, "We value employee input." Dilbert tells the Boss, "Thanks for listening." The Boss laughs hysterically. The caption says, "Meaning: We think humor is important."
Dogbert sits at Dilberts computer. Dilbert stands in a robe with a cup of coffee. Dogbert says, "I'm writing a comprehensive "how to" book." Dogbert says, "In chapter one, I teach people how to pick winning lottery numbers." Dogbert says, "Chapter two: How to find free real estate in very nice neighborhoods." Dogbert says, "Chapter three: how to lose weight by eating huge tubs of ice cream." Dogbert says, "Chapter four: how to build strong abs by joining a gym and never going." Dogbert says, "Finally, how to see angels by giving yourself a near death experience." Dogbert says, "That last one is just to get rid of all the witnesses." Dilbert thinks, "On the plus side I don't feel so bad about not recycling."
CEO: Did you know that poor people invented ethics to control rich people? Nice try, poor people! It's not working! If they haven't killed me by now, a little trash talk won't make any difference.
Dilbert says, "Some of us are going for a drink after work. Would you like to join us?" A woman says, "Nice try, but I know how this scam works." The woman says, "You're trying to lull me into a false sense of activity with a group activity." The woman says, "But we both know the other people will mysteriously never show up." The woman says, "Then it's just you and me on what looks like a date." Dilbert says, "How many people do I have to invite before you believe some of them will show up?" The woman says, "Well, given the disparity in our levels of attractiveness, I'd say thirty-five." Dilbert says, "Can do." The woman says, "Not one other person showed?" Dilbert says, "I only invited women who are more suspicious than you."
Dilbert: I saw you new car in the parking lot. It's nice. Topper: Thank you. Dilbert: I'm complimenting the people who made your car, not you. Topper: Well, I guess only one of us knows how to make his own car.