No Way To Measure Comic Strips

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View 1 - 10 results for no way to measure comic strips. Discover the best "No Way To Measure" comics from Dilbert.com.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #engineers, #vacations, #work ethic, #unlimited vacation policy, #200 days off, #double productivity, #no way to measure

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Wally: I'm planning to take advantage of our new unlimited vacation policy. I'll be gone for two hundred days in the coming year. And I guarantee I will still double my productivity compared to the prior year. Boss: There's no way to measure productivity for engineers. Wally: Good to know.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #measurable objective, #technical writer, #measure good writing, #number of words, #compare projects to wood, #dogmatic babbling manager, #cognitive surrender

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The Boss sits at his desk. He says, "Tina, we need to set measurable objectives for you." Tina responds, "I'm a technical writer. How can you measure good writing?" The Boss says, "Everything is measurable is you try hard enough." Tina asks, "Is that your well-measured opinion?" She continues, "Or is it the dogmatic babbling of a manager in total cognitive surrender?" The Boss comes back with, "For example, we could measure the number of words you type." He adds, "We'll have to subtract words you delete. That way we won't motivate the wrong behavior." Tina is now at her desk, typing. She has written, "In this edition of Tina's hourly newsletter, I compare our projects to various types of wood."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cruelty, #office workers, #mindless task, #intern, #time, #little value, #jump out, #nice way to say

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Dilbert: Asok, there's no nice way to say this... do this mindless task for me because you're nothing but an intern and your time has very little value. Asok: There probably was a nice way to say that. Dilbert: It didn't jump out.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #babies, #complaining, #human resources, #evil director, #discriminates, #short, #bald, #near sighted, #born this way, #business

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Wally: My boss discriminates against me because I'm short, bald, and near-sighted. It's not my fault. I was born this way. Woman: And who is this little... whoa! Hello. Catbert: evil director of Human Resources. Literally.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #Astrology, #stars, #personality, #seasonal, #differences, #sunlight, #natural, #mothers, #predictable, #results, #fetal, #brain, #ancients, #measure, #patterns, #watches

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Dilbert helps Dogbert onto a rock as he says, "It's amazing that people believe in astrology . . . As if the stars could affect your personality." Dogbert replies, "Well, seasonal differences in diet, sunlight and natural rhythms could affect expectant mothers, which could have predictable results on fetal brain development." Dogbert continues, "Maybe the ancients simply used the stars to measure the timing of these patterns." Dilbert asks, "If they were so smart, why didn't they invent watches?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #telemarketing, #bid to run, #telemarketers pay themselves, #rip[ off people, #old people, #no way to lose

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Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. He hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's my bid to run your telemarketing company. Basically, it's no cost to you." Dogbert continues, "My telemarketers pay themselves. If they get a feeble-minded person on the phone they charge them triple and pocket the difference." The Boss says, "There's no way I can lose." Dogbert says, "Don't answer your home phone for a few weeks."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #posted for success, #huge earnings, #market share, #agenda, #raises difficult year, #united way, #two agenda items, #oopsie

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The Boss, Carol, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We're poised for success. We expect huge earnings and increased market share!" Looking at a document, the Boss says, "Next on the agenda . . . There will be no raises because it will be a difficult year . . ." The Boss says, "Carol, I thought I told you to put the 'United Way' update between those two agenda items." Carol says, "Oopsie."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #plan too much, #bias for action, #posters, #proclaim commitment, #measure once, #cut twice

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The Boss sits at his desk and says, "We plan too much. From now on we'll have a bias for action." The Boss tells Asok and Wally, "I want posters that proclaim our commitment to action. And I want them soon!" The Boss reads a poster, "'Measure once. Cut twice.' I like it." Wally tells Asok, "Told you."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #network systems, #software manual, #manuals, #mean spirirted, #meet half way, #door, #window

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Dobert and Wally stand looking through a window in a door. Books are stacked on the other side. Dogbert says, "The software manuals are locked in this room." Dogbert continues, "I don't let users have manuals, for reasons that could only be described as mean-spirited." Wally presses himself against the glass and says, "Is there any way we can meet half-way on this?" Dogbert says, "Hey, that door didn't always have a window."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dogbert, #explains leader ship, #drawn to meetings, #bladder to brain, #impervious to logic, #coffee, #promited, #leadership is natures way, #removing morons, #start as morons

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Dogbert points to a sign that says, "Dogbert explains leadership." Dogbert points to a man who is wearing an untucked shirt and staring blankly ahead. Dogbert says, "Leaders start their careers as morons." The caption says, "They are drawn to meetings like moths to a porch light. The moron walks toward a conference room. Dogbert points to a diagram of a human body. He says, "The successful moron will have a very high bladder-to-brain ratio." The caption says, "They prevail in all decisions because they are impervious to logic or coffee." Dilbert sits at a conference table with the moron and another man. The moron says, "Let's do it my way!" The other man says, "Okay!" The caption says, "These qualities are perceived as leadership." The moron pours coffee on himself. The Boss tells the moron, "You're promoted!" The caption says, "After several promotions their job tends to match their talents." The moron tells Dilbert, "I award you this award." Dogbert says, "Conclusion: leadership is nature's way of removing morons from the productive flow."