Boss: I don't need to see your resume. That's the old way of hiring. Now we use data from the Internet to see what you've been up to lately. Ew. Applicant: I'll show myself out. Boss: You'll understand if I don't shake your hand.
Dilbert and Dogbert sit at the table. Dilbert says, "When I was a kid I threw spitballs at girls to show I liked them." Dilbert continues, "Now I just grovel and beg for dates." Dilbert concludes, "Frankly, the old way was more satisfying."
The Boss: "The company has announced there will be no raises or promotions this year."
"Now, there's a mathematical certainty that no matter how hard you work, inflation will make you poorer."
Dilbert: "I hated the old way, with all the uncertainty."
The Boss: "I'm not just a manager, I'm a leader!"
Job interview
"What's your biggest weakness." "I'm a cubicle vampire." "I wander the cubicles in search of happy coworkers." "Then I pounce!" "Then you suck their blood?" "That was the old way." "I talk about work-related issues until the life is drained from their bodies." "I'm going to trust my gut instinct on this. You're hired." "Have you met the new hire yet?"
Asok: Wally, does your lifestyle of being useless ever leave you feeling lonely? Wally: That's the old way of thinking, Asok. Now a person can get the benefits of human contact through social media. Asok: Do you use social media? Wally: No. I run a tight ship.
the boss: i just got word that we're about to start a two-step reorg.
the boss: in step one, we will centralize functions. then, in step two, we will realize it was a huge mistake and reorganize back to the old way.
ted: why don't we just keep it the way it is?
dilbert: first day?
boss: i'd like to offer you a job, but ten years ago you said something offensive on social media.
interviewee: i'm not the same person i was ten years ago. you are judging me by the actions of someone who literally no longer exists.
boss: i get your point, but if i go back to the old way of judging people by their looks, we still end up in the same place.
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. He hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's my bid to run your telemarketing company. Basically, it's no cost to you." Dogbert continues, "My telemarketers pay themselves. If they get a feeble-minded person on the phone they charge them triple and pocket the difference." The Boss says, "There's no way I can lose." Dogbert says, "Don't answer your home phone for a few weeks."
Asok stands with a box behind Wally who sits at his computer. Asok says, "Wally, what is the quickest way to send this old binders to the landfill?" Wally says, "I usually use "Fedex". Charge it to marketing; they never look at their expense reports" Asok walks away and thinks, "here's one more thing I can never tell anyone about my job."
Boss: I need you to work with old Ned on this project. He's a little bit old-fashioned, but don't let that get to you. He retires in six months.
Alice: I've been asked to work with you.
Ned: Women have jobs now? ? ?
