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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 1995's comic on:

Tags #lake, #push people, #need a hobby, #pretty one, #flopping around, #lower form, #big one, #weigh

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Dilbert sits at his desk. Dogbert says, "I'll be down at the lake, pushing people in." Dilbert says, "You need a new hobby, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "It's a SPORT!" Dilbert stands on the lakeshore behind a man holding a fishing pole. Dogbert asks, "Having any luck today?" The man replies, "Yeah, I got me a pretty one. You should have seen it flopping around. Beautiful!" Dogbert says, "Beautiful?? Are you saying there's beauty in causing a lower form of life to suffer?" The man holds a fish and says, "Only if it's a big one." Dogbert asks, "How much do you weigh?" The man replies, "Oh, about 210 pounds, I reckon." Dogbert has pushed the man into the water. Dogbert asks, "Would you mind flopping around some more?" A fish swims near the fisherman and says, "It's beautiful."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 04, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #woman, #edna, #protect, #planning, #boots, #cat, #dating

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A woman holding a cocktail glass says to another woman, "Uh-oh . . . That guy is coming to talk to us." Dilbert thinks, "I hate this long walk across the room." The woman says, "You're the ugly one, Edna. You'll have to protect me." Dilbert thinks, "They spotted me. They're planning a defense." The woman says to Edna, "I'll push you between us. You start babbling about your cat or something." Dilbert thinks, "I can't do it. I'll veer off at the last minute . . ." The woman shouts, "Now, Edna!" and pushes her. Edna falls and Dilbert trips over her. The woman thinks, "It's hard to be the pretty one." From the floor, Edna says, "I have a cat named Boots."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 13, 2011's comic on:

Tags #administrative agencies, #project timeline, #waste one week, #set up meeting, #available in a week

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Dilbert: I estimated the project timeline by assuming that everyone involved will waste one week. Boss: That's a stupid way to do a timeline. Set up a meeting and I'll show you how it's supposed to be done. Carol: He's available in a week.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 19, 2011's comic on:

Tags #anger, #honesty, #moving, #new offcie, #sounds weird, #real one, #save the attitude

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Wally says, "I can't help on your project this week because we're moving to a new office." Dilbert says, "It sounds weird because it's true." Wally says, "I like to throw in a real one every now and then." Wally says, "You might want to save that attitude for the next round."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 05, 2011's comic on:

Tags #absent mindedness, #annoyance, #status upadte, #multitask, #one task, #doubling rate of failure, #useless blob of carbon

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Alice: Seriously? You're going to do email while I give my status update? Boss: Don't worry. I can multitask. Alice: Multitask? you can barely do one task properly. All you're doing is doubling your rate of failure. Congratulations on becoming the most useless blob of carbon in the universe. Boss: What? Sorry. I missed that. Alice: I said my project is on schedule. Boss: Okay. Great. Alice: This totally works for me.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 18, 2011's comic on:

Tags #anxiety, #monsters, #supernatural beings, #beware of bogeyman, #bad parenting, #one over par, #everyhole

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Asok: My mother always told me to beware the bogeyman. Dilbert: That was bad parenting. There's no such thing as the bogeyman. Boss: I was one over par on every hole. Let me tell you all about it.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 19, 2011's comic on:

Tags #employees, #ignorance (knowledge), #fire wally, #can't risk, #zeberpupin system, #only one, #program, #business

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Boss: I want to fire Wally, but I can't risk it. He says he's the only one who can program the Zeberpupin System. Catbert: Are you sure that's true? Boss: It must be. No one else has even heard of it.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 2012's comic on:

Tags #apology, #bald, #business ethics, #company lawyer, #discrimination, #lawyers, #nearsighted, #one billion, #short, #statue

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Lawyer: I've been asked to settle your claim of discrimination against the company. Your complaint is that they discriminate against you for being short, bald, and nearsighted. I might have a conflict of interest, but my final offer is one billion dollars. Wally: Plus a statue and an apology. Company lawyer.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 15, 2012's comic on:

Tags #confusing, #multiple pages, #public speaking, #real words, #small text, #unpersuasive, #computer, #desk, #no one can read, #technology

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Dilbert: Do you want me to put the chart on one page, which would make the text too small for you to see? Or do you prefer a multiple-page approach that is confusing and unpersuasive? Boss: It's probably better if no one can read it. Dilbert: I won't bother using real words.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 19, 1990's comic on:

Tags #Dogbert, #dog, #pound, #one, #phone, #call, #big, #ball, #demolition, #company

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Dogbert stands in a cage thinking, "No stupid dog pound can hold me for long." Dogbert yells to the dog catcher, "Hey, screw! Don't I get one phone call?!" Dogbert whispers into the telephone, "Hello, is this the Big Ball Demolition Company? . . . Good, I have a rush job for you . . ."