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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 18, 2004's comic on:

Tags #profits improving, #have raise, #giving raises, #profits will plummet, #oppression, #communism

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"Now that our profits are improving, can I have a raise?" "If I start giving people raises, then profits will plummet and we'll be nowhere." "Does your bonus depend on how effectively you oppress me?" "If you don't like it, try communism."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 11, 2012's comic on:

Tags #efficiency experts, #golf, #management consultant, #initate, #golf tournament, #profits, #Sports

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Boss: I hired a management consultant to teach us something he calls backwards causation. Dogbert: I studied the most successful companies. If you imitate them, you'll feel as if you have a strategy. Number one: sponsor a golf tournament so your CEO can meet celebrities. Boss: Profits, here we come.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 06, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dogbert, #the boss, #unorthodox, #plan, #improving, #image, #company, #shoot, #lucky, #guess

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Dogbert stands on a chair across from the Boss's desk. Dogbert says, "I have an unorthodox plan for improving your image in the company." The Boss says, "Shoot." Dogbert says, "Lucky guess."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 06, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #ceo, #superficial, #statements, #company, #lucky, #profits, #leadership

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Dilbert sits at a big desk and asks an employee, "Now that I'm CEO, what am I supposed to actually do?" The man replies, "You're supposed to make superficial statements about how good the company is, then hope something lucky happens and profits go up." The man continues, "It's called leadership, sir." Dilbert waves the man away and says, "Make it so."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 21, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #profits, #low, #training, #class, #cute, #jumpy

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "Dilbert, profits are too low. I've got to let you go . . ." Dilbert says, "What!!" The Boss continues, ". . . To a training class." The Boss walks away thinking, "They're so cute when they get jumpy."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 28, 1992's comic on:

Tags #garbage man, #election, #campaign, #strategist, #Win, #promise, #sell, #foreigners, #profits, #parks

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The garbage man says to Dogbert, "Sure, Dogbert, I'll be your election campaign strategist." The garbage man sits at a table with Dogbert and Ratbert. The garbage man says, "You can win if you promise to sell our national parks to foreigners and share the profits." Dogbert replies, "I couldn't do that." The garbage man asks, "You couldn't sell the parks?" Dogbert replies, "I couldn't share the profits."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 10, 1994's comic on:

Tags #profits down, #bring own pencils, #sell them, #sidewalk, #beg for money, #money down

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"Profits are down again this quarter." "That's bad." "Starting tomorrow, you'll have to bring your own pencils to the office." "That's bad." "And you'll have to sell them out on the sidewalk." "That's bad."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 09, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #working, #encyclopedia, #sell, #large, #profits, #write, #yourself, #abridge, #pages, #condensed, #history, #knowledge

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Dogbert sits at the desk typing. Dilbert asks, "What are you working on?" Dogbert replies, "I'm writing my own encyclopedia to sell for large profits." Dilbert asks, "How could you write an entire encyclopedia by yourself?" Dogbert replies, "It's abridged. I had to cut some corners to get it all in five pages." Dilbert says, "Five pages?! You condensed the history and knowledge of the world into five pages?!!" Dogbert replies, "Actually, it's mostly about me . . . The other stuff didn't seem important." Dogbert continues, "But I threw in some stuff about Canada to make it seem thorough." Dilbert reads, "'Canada has trees.'" Dogbert says, "I'll have to tighten that section a bit."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 28, 1997's comic on:

Tags #profits down, #morale down, #anti management cartoons, #hang cubicle walls, #mission statement

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The Boss sits at his desk thinking, "Profits are down. Morale is low. What is the root problem?" The Boss thinks, "It's got to be those anti-management cartoons the employees hang on their cubicle walls!" The Boss looks at the comic strips hanging on Wally's cubicle. The Boss says, "And they aren't even funny." Wally points to a strip and says, "This one has our mission statement."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 21, 1997's comic on:

Tags #family friendly policies, #higher profits, #high profits, #true costs, #camouflage, #five minute break

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A woman points at a chart and says, "My study shows that the companies with 'Family Friendly' policies have higher profits." Dilbert sits in the audience with Wally, Alice and other employees. He raises his hand and says, "Question: Do family policies cause high profits or do high profits simply camouflage the true costs of the policies?" The woman says, "We'll take a five-minute break so the married people can slap you for asking that." Dilbert says, "Ouch!"