Search Results for "punish client"
Share November 01, 2002's comic on:
Headline: Dogbert the Attorney. Dogbert raises his hand and says, "Your honor, is it too late to change sides?" Dogbert continues, "After hearing the evidence, I want to punish my client." After a pause, Dogbert asks, "No?" The Boss glares at Dogbert. Dogbert continues, "I expect some awkward silences during the next break."
Share June 08, 2003's comic on:
Headline: Career Counseling. Dilbert sits across from a client. The client says, "I love to hear myself talk." The client continues, "But I don't like it when people roll their eyes and go 'phhht.'" The client continues, "I'd like a job where people are forced to nod and smile while I babble." The client adds, "And I'd like to punish people for my own mistakes." Dogbert says, "I recommend a career in management." Dogbert continues, "Just to be sure, I'm going to give you a management aptitude test." The client replies, "Hey, I have an idea. Maybe I should pursue a career in management!" Dogbert says, "Congratulations! You just passed the management aptitude test." The client exclaims, "Yes!"
Share May 03, 2011's comic on:
Mordac: Ted, the I.S. group monitors every website you visit. Based on that information, we came up with a list of nicknames for you. My job got a lot more fun after we stopped doing the client satisfaction surveys. Mordac
Share May 08, 2012's comic on:
Alice: What's up with the hobo outfit? Dilbert: I have a client meeting. You should always dress one level up from the client. He dresses casually to flaunt his success, so I'm dressing even more casually. Alice: Wow. You actually don't know which direction is up. Dilbert: This stain is fudge.
Share May 27, 2012's comic on:
Boss: We've been asked to cut our budget by 30%. Dilbert: That doesn't make sense. We met all of our objectives last year. Boss: A different part of our company had a huge loss. Dilbert: Shouldn't you cut their budget, not ours? Boss: Their budget isn't big enough to make a difference to the bottom line. Dilbert: So our strategy is to punish success, and reward failure? Boss: Just do your job and leave the strategy to management. Dilbert: Hypothetically, if I do my job poorly, would that be good or bad for me?
Share October 17, 1990's comic on:
The caption says, "Jury selection." A lawyer says, "My client is accused of killing twelve people just like you folks." The attorney continues, "The alleged victims were all part of a previous jury who doubted my client's innocence." The jury members look horrified. The lawyer says, "This jury is acceptable to the defense."
Share October 20, 1990's comic on:
The defense lawyer says, "Okay, let's say that, hypothetically, my client did kill those people . . ." His client is holding an ax and wearing an executioner's hat. The attorney says to Dilbert and the other members of the jury, "Chances are that it was nobody you know." The lawyer continues, "And the next time you're standing in a long line, ask yourself: 'Am I better off now that there are less people?'"
Share November 02, 1990's comic on:
Dilbert says, "Dogbert, we must become vigilantes and punish the man who robbed our house!!" Dilbert continues, "It's not justice we seek, it's REVENGE!!!" Dilbert says, "We must make him suffer." Dogbert replies, "Tell him one of your stories about work."
Share October 17, 1994's comic on:
The Boss: I put together a time line for your project. I started by reasoning that anything I don't understand is easy to do. Phase one: design a client-server architecture for our world wide operations time: six minutes.
Share April 17, 1995's comic on:
Dilbert sits on a pillow on the floor working on his laptop. Dogbert tells him, "I'm going into business as a financial advisor." Dilbert says, "Sounds hard." Dogbert says, "It's easy. I'll tell all my clients to invest in the 'Dogbert Deferred Earnings Fund.'" Dilbert asks, "Isn't that a conflict of interest?" Dogbert replies, "Only if I show interest in the client."