Repeat Customer Comic Strips
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The boss: "We only have a 10% repeat customer rate whereas prisons have a 70% rate of recidivism." "We need to focus our marketing on criminals because they don't learn from experience." "Order now and get a free knuckle tattoo plus our free book 1,001 nicknames for women."
DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT Dogbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "You can gauge your success by the number of repeat customers you have." The Boss says, "I'm proud to say that virtually every customer gets another unit within three months of buying the first one!" Dogbert asks, "What if you don't count warranty replacements?" The Boss replies, "Ooh . . . Then we don't look so good."
The Boss says, "The customer is an attractive young woman. You'll need to bring a handsome man with you to translate." The Boss says, "The translator will repeat everything you say, word for word, but he'll say it more handsomely." Dilbert says, "Hi." Customer says, "What's he jabbering about?"
dilbert: as you instructed, i refused to give in to our biggest customer's demands and they canceled all of their orders. boss: i didn't tell you to do that, you fool! dilbert: you told me to do exactly that. boss: i never told you to lose our biggest customer! dilbert: you told me to refuse their demands. boss: but i didn't tell you to lose the customer! dilbert yelling: it's the same thing!!! boss: the important thing here is that it's your fault. Dilbert yelling: i get it!!!
Dilbert: Are you planning layoffs? Boss: Am I planning layoffs? Dilbert: When you repeat my question it means the next thing you say will be a lie. Go. Boss: I love your stinkin' guts.
Dilbert: I want to buy your company's product but it's like pulling teeth with you. Man: Ha ha! I switched from commissions to a guaranteed salary. I'm free from the tyranny of customer service! Dilbert: This is less than ideal. Man: No paperwork for me! Woot! Woot!
Dogbert sits behind a cash register and says to a customer, "Welcome to Dogbert's New Age Mineral Water Spa . . . Hand over the cash." Dogbert says, "Hold it . . . The vibes from my crystal tell me we knew each other in a previous life . . . In ATLANTIS!" A man says, "That's what you told the last guy, too." Dogbert replies, "Atlantis was a small town. I ran the only donut shop."
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and another employee sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Okay, the staff meeting is over. Does anybody have any meaningless rambling questions? Johnson?" Johnson asks, "How can we work as a team to achieve total quality without sacrificing customer focus?" The Boss asks, "How many people would like to see me make Johnson fetch this stick?" Everyone raises their hands.
At the Scientist Anti-Defamation League, a man says, "The bake sale fund raiser is Thursday." The man continues, "And let's not have a repeat of last year's fiasco when it got so competitive." On Thursday, Dilbert enters carrying a volcano and a man with a clipboard says, "Put it with the other volcanoes." Dilbert asks, "Did you notice the indigenous people fleeing in horror?"