Retired By Now Comic Strips

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View 1 - 10 results for retired by now comic strips. Discover the best "Retired By Now" comics from Dilbert.com.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #car, #salesman, #Dogbert, #lying, #part, #crime, #pay, #retired, #readers digest, #special, #story

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Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dogbert says, "I quit my job as a used car salesman." Dilbert asks, "Because you couldn't keep lying?" Dogbert replies, "No, the lying was good. I liked that part." Dilbert asks, "Was it because crime doesn't pay?" Dogbert says, "I made $400,000 this week. I'm retired now." Dilbert says, "I don't think this will ever be a 'Reader's Digest' very special story."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lower costs, #retirement package, #smart employees, #rewrite mission statement, #fit better, #retired by now

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Catbert is sitting on The Boss' desk. The Boss says, "First, we'll lower costs by offering a retirement package that induces all the smart employees to leave." The Boss continues, "Then we'll rewrite our mission statement to make it fit better." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Our new mission statement is, 'If you can read this you should have retired by now." Dogbert replies, "Ouch."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #eye contact, #unpackageable, #generous severence, #volunteers, #retired bliss, #cruel twist fate, #keep job, #organic vessel, #self pity, #fishing, #Sports

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Asok and Dilbert are walking down the hall. Dilbert warns, "Uh-oh... don't make eye contact with that guy." Asok asks, "Why not?" Dilbert explains, "Ernie is unpackageable." Dilbert continues, "Last year, the company offered a generous severance package to people who volunteered to leave." Dilbert continues, "Ernie volunteered. He imagined a life of retired bliss outside this company." Dilbert continues, "But too many people volunteered. In a cruel twist of fate, Ernie was forced to keep his job." Dilbert continues, "Now he's nothing but an organic vessel for transporting self- pity." Ernie runs up to Asok and Dilbert and cries, "I could have been fishing!!! Waaa!!!" Alice, Asok, and Dilbert are sitting together. Asok's hair is standing straight up and he still has a panicked expression on his face. Alice asks, "You looked?" Dilbert responds, "I tried to warn him."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #quarreling, #nemesis, #notoriously ineffective, #prime the pump, #retired

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Dilbert: My old nemesis retired. Would you like to be my new nemesis? Coworker: Why me? Dilbert: You're notoriously ineffective. That's the best kind of nemesis to have. [thinks to himself] That should prime the pump. Coworker: I will thwart you a new one!

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #reincarnation, #investment, #fund, #invest now, #come back as cow, #fortune in milk, #invest until reincarnate

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Dogbert: I call it 'Dogbert's Reincarnation Investment Fund'. You give me your money now and I invest it until you reincarnate. The compound interest will make you rich. Dilbert: What if I come back as a cow? Dogbert: You'll save a fortune in milk.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #benefits dept, #retire now, #haitian penny stocks, #change in tone, #letter about pension, #contrarain investor

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dilbert: Uh-oh...it's never good when we get mail from the benefits department. "retire now or we'll invest your entire pension in haitian penny stocks. Dilbert: Have you noticed a change in tone lately? Wally: Little do they know Im a contrarian investor.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #stock, #shares, #timely leaks, #media, #value plunged, #sell now, #fair share price, #want copy, #Entertainment

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Dogbert sits at a conference table with the Boss and three other managers. Dogbert says, "Your stock was $30 per share when I offered to buy the company, but thanks to some timely leaks to the media your value has plunged." Dogbert continues, "However, if you sell right now I'll pay the full $30 for your stock." The Boss says, "I recommend we do it." A manager hands the signed contract back to Dogbert and says, "Done. $30 per share is more than fair." Dogbert replies, "Yeah, 'per share' would have been fair. Anybody want a copy?" The Boss looks shocked.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #king dogbert, #first ruler, #internet, #bow before me, #internet is millons individuals, #until now, #dogbert fancies himself king, #technology

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Dogbert stands on the desk and says, "I declare myself 'King Dogbert,' the first ruler of the Internet!!" Dogbert raises his paws over his head and yells, "Bow before me or be expelled from the kingdom forever!!!" Dilbert enters wearing a bathrobe and asks, "Are you aware that the Internet is comprised of millions of individuals and organizations that operate independently?" Dogbert replies, "Until now!"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #butterfly, #bug, #flying, #much, #now, #kill, #flatten, #becomes, #beautiful, #work, #art, #guts, #wings, #evenly, #spaced, #ants, #pants, #mother, #nature, #standing, #resist

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Dilbert and Dogbert sit in the bushes. Dilbert points and says, "Look! A beautiful Regency butterfly!" Dogbert says, "Beautiful?? It's a flying BUG." Dilbert says, "It may not seem like much now . . ." Dilbert continues, "But after we kill it, dip it in chemicals, and flatten it between glass, it becomes a beautiful work of art!" Dogbert asks, "Do we throw away the bug guts and just keep the wings?" Dilbert replies, "No. The guts keep the wings evenly spaced." Dilbert screams and yells, "Ants in my pants!!" He jumps out of the bushes. As Dilbert runs away, a woman comes out of the bushes. Dogbert says, "Mother Nature!" Mother Nature says, "He was standing right on an anthill. I couldn't resist."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #project caribou, #walls project, #final design, #now, #Wally, #thimble, #morale in thimble

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Dilbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Give me a final design for Project Caribou by Tuesday." Dilbert replies, "That's Wally's project." The Boss says, "I know, but I'm thinking about it now and Wally isn't in the room." The Boss says, "Tell Wally it's your project now." Dilbert says, "Do you see this thimble? I keep my morale in it."