"Our goal is nothing less than a complete takeover of pointy-haired Carl's software division."
"We'll start secretly doing their jobs in addition to our own. Then I'll argue that they should report to me."
"Hypothetically, if the secret got out, would we stop working twice as hard for no extra money?"
Catbert: Evil director of human resources
Computer: Laptops are banned from all meetings. The only things that should be in your mind during meetings are soul-crushing boredom and a futility headache. The boss: That's more like it.
The Boss says, "Can you put the PX9 system on the R3 network?" Dilbert says, "Yes." Dilbert says, "But just to be clear. What an engineer can do is rarely what he should do." The Boss says, "What should you do?" Dilbert says, "Apparently, your job."
Boss: Experts say managers should hire great people and set clear expectations. They don't say what to do when you get the first part wrong, but I'm leaning toward micromanaging. Alice: My employee engagement just went down. Boss: That was never a real thing.
Dilbert: Let's skip to the part where I tell you how you should have engineered it instead of whatever you did. Coworker: You don't know what I did. Dilbert: I have five minutes to pretend that matters. Coworker: That's all I need.
Boss: Maybe we should make a smart watch. Dilbert: Maybe it is far too late. Boss: Maybe we could make a better one than Apple. Dilbert: Maybe we should get in a sword fight and not have a sword. Boss: Am I missing anything by not listening to what you say? Dilbert: No, it's mostly for my own entertainment.
Tina: Have you done anything to address my complaints about management? Catbert: I can't tell you about any confidential conversations I have with management. Tina: So... should I just hope for the best? Catbert: That sounds like a solid plan.
dilbert: i wrote a software patch that will save three million dollars per year. i feel as if i deserve a bonus or a raise.
boss: when did you do it?
dilbert: this week.
boss: how long did we have the problem?
dilbert: five years.
boss: then you should have fixed it five years ago. looks like a gigantic failure to me. you should be ashamed of yourself.
in another room
catbert: did you try my strategy for keeping payroll expenses low?
boss: works like magic.
Dilbert: I was holding a virtual meeting using the cloud and...
Therapist: you're already dead and you don't know it.
Dilbert: um...no im an engineer.
Therapist: and yet your should had a meeting in a cloud. Interesting.
Dilbert: my people call it an avatar.
Dilbert: My brain isn't working at its peak efficiency this afternoon. Common sense says I should go home early to avoid making any mistakes that would be bad for the company. Unless... nothing I... do is important. Boss: Sounds like your brain is back to its peak efficiency.
