Successful Habits Comic Strips
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Boss: Did you see my email about the eight things that successful people do? Dilbert: Yes. I did all eight things and now I'm a huge success. Boss: No you're not. Dilbert: I'm not? How's that possible? I did all of the things that successful people do. This only makes sense if the inspirational links you send me every day are a complete waste of time! So which one is it? Am I a huge success or do you email me worthless things? Boss: Maybe we should just change the subject. Dilbert: Is that what successful people do?
Wally: Did you get the link I sent about the ten things all leaders need to do? I also sent you an article about the nine habits of successful people. And I sent you an article about the time management tricks used by successful people. According ti my research. There are 17,429 tricks you need to master to be a good leader. That might seem like a lot. But if you master ten per year, you'll be 1.2% competent by the time you retire. Boss: Why are we having this conversation? Wally: Im going to add "Listening skills" to the list.
The panel says, "Dilbert presents: Bad Habits From a Parallel Universe!" A maitre d' says to Dilbert and Dogbert, "Table for Phleem?" Dilbert replies, "Yes. In the 'no slapping yourself with a sea bass' section." Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table listening to slapping noises. Dogbert says, "Great, one table away . . ." Dilbert says, "Do you ever wonder about the first person to try that habit?"
Dilbert arrives at a woman's door carrying flowers. Floyd is still attached to Dilbert's back. The woman says, "I don't mean to sound critical on a first date, but there's a little man attached to your back." Dilbert says, "That's Floyd. He's a co-worker who survives by sharing the success of others." The woman asks, "What if you're not successful?" Dilbert replies, "He'll die. But hey, no pressure."
Ratbert says to Dogbert, "I'm following in your footsteps so I can be a demagogue too." Ratbert continues, "Your book 'Unmarried Men are Scum' was so successful that I decided to write my own hate book disguised as science!" Ratbert holds up a manuscript and continues, "I call it 'Moles are Morons.'" Three moles wearing sunglasses sneak up behind Ratbert. Dogbert asks, "Were you aware that moles have a strong underground movement?"
Dilbert sits at his computer at home, dressed in a bathrobe and looking unshaven. He types, "Day two of telecommuting is going smoothly. I have eliminated all optional habits of hygiene." Dilbert continues typing, "My co-workers are a fading memory. I am losing language skills. I talk to my computer and expect answers." Dilbert types, "For reasons that are unclear, my dog wears a gas mask and shouts tarzan-like phrases." Dogbert stands behind Dilbert wearing a gas mask and yelling, "Kreegah! Bundalo!"
Dogbert sits on his pillow. Ratbert approaches him with a notebook and pen and says, "I'm going to interview successful people and write a book of their tips. I'll start with you, Dogbert." Ratbert writes in his notebook as Dogbert says, "Set your alarm clock to go off every hour. Keep a big vat of 'Jell-O' by the bed. When the alarm goes off, stick our head in the 'Jell-O' and yell, 'Boy, I'm tired!'" Ratbert walks away saying, "Thanks!" Dogbert thinks, "Beware the advice of successful people; they do not seek company."
Ratbert and Dilbert are sitting on the couch. Ratbert says, "if the goal of all creatures is to be happy... and I'm happier than you are..." Ratbert continues, "We can conclude that I'm more successful than you are. Isn't that right?" Dilbert looks angry. Dilbert says, "You are REALLY starting to annoy me now." Ratbert says, "The gap widens. Yes!" and pumps his arm in victory.
Dilbert stands in front of his home computer. Dilbert thinks, "The installation is successful. I have 128 kilobits per second of digital access to the internet." Dilbert dances. Dilbert thinks, "As tradition requires, I do the engineer's victory dance." Dogbert films with a video camera. Dogbert says, "...so if I ever have to kill him, the jury will realize it was justified." Ratbert asks, "Could you hurry?"
Tags #habits of highly defective people, #ignore signs, #belittle people, #newest team, #all complainers fault, #motivate me, #therapist, #controversial issues, #barney as mascot, #assembly line code, #prejudices, #crisp photo copy, #cpmics, #psychology
The panel contains the title, "The Seven Habits of Highly Defective People." The caption says, "1. Ignore any signs of discomfort in others." The Boss sits across the table from a dusty skeleton and says, "But hey, I've been doing all of the talking." The caption says, "2. Use humor to belittle people in public." The Boss puts his arm around a man and tells Wally, "Our newest team member has movie star looks. Specifically, Lassie." Wally laughs. The caption says, "3. Treat all complaints as the complainer's fault." Dilbert says, "You don't motivate me." The Boss replies, "Maybe you should see a therapist." The caption says, "4. Show up late and raise controversial issues." The Boss walks into a meeting room and says, "I think we should license 'Barney' as our mascot." The caption says, "5. Give advice on things you don't understand." The Boss points to Dilbert's monitor and says, "Try writing some assembly line code here." The caption says, "6. Use compliments to show your prejudices." The Boss says to Alice, "Ooh, nice crisp photocopy, Alice. I don't think a man could have done it better!" The caption says, "7. Think the comics are not about you." The Boss reads the newspaper and says, "Hee hee! Look at the hair on that guy!"