Dilbert reaches for a cup as a Doctor says, "We know these random drug tests are unpleasant for employees." The Doctor holds out a dish and says, "That's why we offer free cashews." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Suddenly I thought of Charlie Brown but I don't know why."
"I need a $1,600 handheld bar code scanner to finish my lab tests." "Okay. Apply for a capital budget variance, prepare an RFP, get three bids, form a team to evaluate the bids, then prepare a purchase order." "Never mind. I'll just learn how to read bar codes by sight." "Quitter."
Dilbert: Our A-B tests show that orange buttons get 13% more clicks than green. I have now officially lost all faith in human intelligence. Boss: Stick with the green. It looks better. Dilbert: Sure. I feel liberated from the tyranny of thinking.
The Boss: I need someone to run some test scripts on the new software.
Dilbert: I can do that my project is on hold until the new hardware arrives.
The Boss: Great, I'll need you to run the same tests on every version until final release.
Dilbert: Um... I was only volunteering to do it once it isn't my job to do all the testing.
The Boss: Too late. You're the test script guy now.
Dilbert: You're adding an entirely new job to my existing job!
The Boss: Don't you want to be a team player?
Dilbert: Of course I do.
The Boss: Good. I just put you on the losing team.
Boss: Did you ask the lab if they have a way to test traffic loads on our prototype? Dilbert: I met with them for an hour and explained that we need traffic load tests. Boss: But you didn't actually ask if they could do the tests? Dilbert: Well... no... but... it's their job to do the tests. And they would have mentioned it if they didn't have a way to do it. Boss: But you didn't ask. Dilbert: That was the context of the meeting. If they couldn't do that sort of test they would have mentioned it sometime during our hour together. Boss: Maybe you should ask. Dilbert: Gaa!! Okay! I'll ask! Are you freakin' kidding me?!! Man: I wondered why you didn't ask.
The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and a woman, "I'm discontinuing the employee drug testing program . . ." The Boss shows Dilbert a document and says, "Because my own tests keep turning out positive . . . Which makes me suspect that some wise guy has tampered with the medical computer." Dilbert says, "Denial and paranoia . . . Classic symptoms." Wally asks, "Is he 'high' right now?"
Dilbert and Zimbu compete for one job.
The Boss: This next event tests your humor and creativity. The objective is to see how much fun you can have in the barrel. Who wants to go first?
Dilbert: This is no fair. Zimbu is a monkey. He has an advantage.
"I'd stay and work some unpaid overtime with you but I'm taking MBA classes."
"If YOU took MBA classes you'd understand that working for free is a low NPV."
"If you don't mind, before big tests I'd like to rub your head for luck."
"It'll cost you a nickel."
Dilbert, Wally, Alice and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dilbert says, "The project status is 'yellow light.'" Dilbert continues, "In user tests we found that the product locks up every twelve seconds. The interface is incomprehensible and the manual is pure fiction." Dilbert continues, "I think it's clear what we need to do . . ." The Boss asks, "Ship it and hope somebody writes a 'Dummies' book about it?"
