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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 13, 1996's comic on:


Tags #meets expectations, #review, #two percent raise, #eighty hour week, #three patents, #make millions, #donated bone marrow, #attendece problem, #cheated on money, #alice, #take advantage, #cheap, #scammed

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The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Alice, your performance this year is 'meets expectations.' You get a two percent raise." Alice looks shocked and says, "MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week!" The Boss replies, "Yeah . . . Well, I expected that." Alice yells, "I earned three patents this year! The company will make millions!!" The Boss says, "Really? Wow. I mean . . . I expected that too." Alice clenches her teeth and shouts, "I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! Twice!!!" The Boss replies, "I noted that under 'attendance problem.'" Alice, Dilbert and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice leans on the table and covers her face. Dilbert tells her, "I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you." Wally says, "I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 12, 1997's comic on:


Tags #presumed dead, #like to work, #finished three projects, #lost five pounds, #gave up coffee, #seven patents, #everyone prodcutive, #life without mangement, #paradise, #spoon hug

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Wally and Dilbert are wearing casual clothes. Dilbert is dancing and Wally sits at his computer. Wally says, "Now that our Boss is presumed dead, I found I like to work." Dilbert says, "I finished three projects today!" Alice leans into the cubicle and says, "I lost five pounds, gave up coffee, and applied for seven patents!" Dilbert says, "Go, Alice!" Wally says, "Life without management is like paradise!" Tina the Tech Writer walks in and says, "Who wants to spoon-hug?"

Wally's Many Patents

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Wally's Many Patents - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 14, 2015's comic on:


Tags #accomplishments, #deception, #work ethic, #patent, #inventions

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Boss: On your list of accomplishments, you say you filed seventeen patents for the company this month. Wally: I did. Here's the documentation on each of them. Boss: Hmm... it will be three years before I know if these are accepted. Wally: Until then, let's play it safe and assume I'm awesome.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 2011's comic on:


Tags #terrorists, #work ethic, #elbonian leftists, #kidnapped, #ransom demands, #three pack tube socks, #carton milk, #six yams, #making life nightmare, #gives in to kidnappers

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Carol says, "Elbonian leftists kidnapped Asok. They have ransom demands." Carol says, "They want a three-pack of tube socks, a carton of milk, and six yams." The Boss says, "Maybe you could buy that stuff on your way home." Carol says, "You're making my life a nightmare! Just keep him!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 06, 2011's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #clubs, #meetings, #society for the preservation of evil ideas, #file patents, #sue for infringement, #embezzle, #Entertainment

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Dogbert: Welcome to the monthly meeting of "The Society for the Preservation of Evil Ideas." Our goal for the coming year is to convince companies to file absurdly broad patents and sue each other for infringing. CIO: How do we make money from that? Dogbert: Beats me. I'm just here to embezzle your dues.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 03, 2011's comic on:


Tags #commerce, #optimism, #patents, #patent infringement, #google, #apple, #microsoft, #oracle, #nasa, #astroid, #life span of optimist, #technology

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Lawyer: Our newest product infringes patents from Google, Apple, Microsoft, and Oracle. They've joined forces and hired NASA to nudge an asteroid toward our headquarters. Boss: I think we can win this. Lawyer: I wonder what the average life span of an optimist is.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 29, 2012's comic on:


Tags #copyright & trademark, #farmers & farm workers, #violates patents, #close compnay, #lawyer, #off grid, #legal

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Lawyer: Our new product violates 70 Google patents, 14 Apple patents, 52 Oracle patents, and 37 Microsoft patents. There is no hope. I recommend that we close the company and become farmers. Boss: I need a lawyer with more fight in him. Lawyer: I'm off the grid.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 30, 2012's comic on:


Tags #huge fee, #non practicing entity, #patent troll, #patents, #playing field, #plunge civilization, #tangle innovation, #thwart compnies, #dark ages

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Dogbert: I'm a patent troll, but you can call me a non-practicing entity. For a huge fee, I will use my patents to thwart the companies that are trying to thwart you with their own patents. Together we can strangle innovation and plunge civilization into the dark ages! Boss: That would even the playing field.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 03, 1991's comic on:


Tags #the boss, #Dilbert, #department, #machines, #filled, #bird, #bobs, #head, #three, #birds, #job

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Dilbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "I've decided to replace your department with machines." The Boss points to a toy on the desk and says, "Your job will be filled by this little bird that bobs his head up and down." Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, ". . . Then I said 'Ha! It would take at least THREE of those birds to do MY job!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 30, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #elves, #elf, #magic, #elf magic, #conquer, #world, #pick, #Card, #serious, #clubs, #forty three of clubs

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An elf says to three other elves, "I say we elves have been pushed around too long!" The elf says, "Let's use our elf magic to conquer the world!!" Another elf replies, "Yeah! Elf magic!" An elf holds a deck of playing cards and says to Dogbert, "C'mon, pick a card - any card!! And this time be serious!!" Dogbert says, "I'll take the forty-three of clubs."