Man: We need to enhance our sector-relevant support for a suite of integrated risk assessment tools. Do you understand? Dilbert: Maybe. Is your point that you don't know how to communicate? Man: No. Dilbert: Oh. Then I didn't get it.
Boss: Question four: do you have the tools to do your job? Wally: That depends. Do you consider yourself a tool? Boss: I'm a resource. Wally: Let's agree to disagree.
Wally: I'm designing a suite of internet collaboration tools. It's part of my long-term goal to eliminate all forms of direct human contact. Co-worker: That's messed up. Wally: You're exactly what I'm trying to avoid.
Dilbert lies on a couch and a psychologist sits next to him taking notes on a pad of paper. Dilbert says, "I can't stop putting writing tools in my shirt pocket . . ." Dilbert continues, "It started harmlessly . . . First a pen, then two. Now I'm afraid to go anywhere without a pen and pencil of every color." The psychiatrist asks, "Do you have the secondary colors?" Dilbert replies, "There are SECONDARY colors?!"
Dilbert: "I need a replacement for my company cellular phone."
"I dropped mine in the...John."
The Boss: "Again?? Why don't you reach in and fish it out?"
Dilbert: "I tried, but then my pager fell in too."
The Boss: "Reach in and get them both."
Dilbert: "I tried, of course, but when my vast array of writing tools fell in they kind of wedged..."
The Boss: "Try it again!!!"
Dogbert: "Where are your glasses?"
Dilbert: "Shut up."
Dilbert sits at a table with another man (Ted). Dilbert looks at a piece of paper and says, "You're suggesting a process that will fail even if we do evrything right." The man says, "When can you start?" Dilbert says, "Listen carefully. No amount of skill or effort can make this plan work." The guy says, "No pain, no gain." Dilbert says, "you're not working with many tools here, are you?" The man says, "We need some sort of conferance call."
The boss meets with Wally and Dilbert at a conference table. The boss says, "We'll redesign our processes to enable enterprise intergration of knowledge resources and tools." Wally raises his hand and says, "Question: Is it okay if I do nothing?" The boss says, "No." Wally says, "Well, excuse me for making a suggestion."
As a consultant, Dogbert says to the Boss "All of your employees are ignorant." Dobgert continues, "I can fix that by selling you intranet collaboration tools." The Boss says to Dgbert in an uneasy voice, "But if they're sharing their ignorance..." Dogbert thinks to himself, "Sign it, sign it, sign it..."
Carol, I hired famed archaeologist Dogbert to find the budget report in the clutter of your desk.
Dogbert: This appears to be a copier repairman skull, possibly a ricoh or kyocera. I think he used tools.
Carol: Not fast enough."
