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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 03, 2001's comic on:


Tags #six sigma program, #doomed, #same consulatant, #worthless progarms, #totally different name

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"You've got to implement a six sigma program or else you're doomed." "Aren't you the same consultant who sold us the worthless TQM program a few years ago?" "I assure you that this program has a totally, totally different name." "When can we start?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 08, 1999's comic on:


Tags #tough negotiator, #deal, #sign contract, #totally different, #conditions, #complained, #borrow, #briefcase, #no one complained

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A salesman sits with his briefcase across from Dilbert. The salesman says, " a tough negotiator, but I think we have a deal." The salesman hands Dilbert a piece off paper and says, "Just sign the contract and we'll deliver the equipment." Dilbert reads and says, "This contract is totally different from what we agreed." The salesman thinks, "Must act suprised." and says, "Really?" dilbert says, "Why are you spring all these conditions on me at the last minute?" The sales man says, "No onwe has ever complained before." Dilbert says, "Can I borrow your briefcase for a minute?" and takes the briefcase. The salesman says, "Um... okay." dilbert drops the briefcase off a balcony. The salesman says, "That wasn't nice." Dilbert says, "No one has complained before."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 15, 2012's comic on:


Tags #golf, #video games, #pebble beach, #xbox, #full spectrum, #lamp, #fresh air, #house, #windows, #played golf, #coffee, #Sports, #Entertainment

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Co-worker: I played golf at Pebble Beach over the weekend. Dilbert: I played that course on Xbox. Co-worker: That's totally different. Dilbert: I used a full spectrum lamp to simulate sunlight. Co-worker: I got fresh air! Dilbert: You should get a house that has windows. They're terrific.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 01, 2011's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #environmental issues, #managers & supervisors, #government nagging, #rid of waste, #motivational paper weight, #nice going, #avoid licking, #business

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The Boss says, "The government is nagging us to get rid of our dangerous radioactive waste." The Boss says, "On a totally different topic, I'm giving each of you a motivational paperweight that says, 'Nice going.'" The Boss says, "Try to avoid licking them."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 24, 2013's comic on:


Tags #choosing, #thinking, #intuition, #make decisions

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Dilbert: I wonder if I should rely more on my intuition to make decisions. Dogbert: You mean guessing? Dilbert: No. Guessing is totally different from intuition because of the... um... These things make sense in my head! Dogbert: Is there room in there with all of the intuition?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 25, 2014's comic on:


Tags #business ethics, #obliviousness, #million units, #customers happy, #our goals, #their goals, #this quarter

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CEO: Our goal is to ship a million units this quarter. Dilbert: Do we have any goals that involve making customers happy? CEO: I'm talking about our goals, not their goals. Boss: Totally different.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 01, 2018's comic on:


Tags #training, #frustration, #wasting time

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Man: Thank you all for coming to this mandatory class on using the new system. The new system installation is behind schedule, so I'll train you using the old system. Dilbert: we know how to use the old system. Man: I'll point out how the new system is different as we go. Dilbert: Is the new system a lot like the old system? Man: No. Totally different. Dilbert: This is the worst idea I've ever heard. Man: Here are some handouts from the old system's operating guide. Dilbert: This is the Japanese language part of the manual. Man: Are you going to complain about everything?

Idea Stealing

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Idea Stealing - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 23, 2018's comic on:


Tags #idea, #manager, #credit

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Boss: What does everyone think of my idea? Dilbert: I suggested that same idea last week and you said it was terrible. Boss: Your idea was totally different because it involved you getting the credit.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 02, 2011's comic on:


Tags #golf, #managers & supervisors, #rich people, #sense of passion, #feel different, #Sports, #business

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The Boss: The experts say Is house motivate you by displaying my own sense of passion and purpose. I love getting rich at your expense....and golfing!!! Do you feel and different? Dilbert: Yup.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 2011's comic on:


Tags #depression (mental state), #despair, #unfulfilled, #totally worthless, #coffee maker, #breakroom, #distract

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Asok: I am unfulfilled at my job. When does that feeling go away? Dilbert: Asok, you shouldn't think you're totally worthless. Asok: Um... I didn't say I was worthless. Dilbert: I'm trying to take your mind off of the other thing.