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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 01, 2012's comic on:

Tags #big business, #business ethics, #executive program, #relocate, #vindictive, #stress, #loser, #turn down opportunity, #train, #discomfort, #underlings

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Boss: You've been selected for our executive development program. That means we can make you relocate to any godforsaken dirt stain we want. As soon as you make friends or find romance, we'll move you to someplace new and worse. It won't be the sort of work you'll enjoy, and the stress might kill you. If you turn down this opportunity, the company will forever label you as a loser. If you accept the offer, the company will train you to find pleasure in the discomfort of your underlings. I'm doing it right now! Dilbert: I HATE MY LIFE!!! Boss: Yes, yes, say more.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 07, 1995's comic on:

Tags #finish program, #fast, #train him, #prodcutive, #big glowing thing

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Dilbert sits at his desk and turns around as the Boss enters. The Boss says, "We need to finish your program twice as fast, so I'm adding a person to help you." The Boss says as he leaves Dilbert's cubicle, "You might need to train him a little before he's productive." Dilbert waves his arms as he thinks, "Warning! Warning! Dr. Smith." Dilbert sits at his desk with the new co-worker, a small man with big ears and a disheveled shirt collar. Pointing at the monitor, he asks Dilbert, "Tell me again what the big glowing thing is."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 01, 1996's comic on:

Tags #audit, #documented procedures, #divided, #two groups, #unethical, #unprodcutive, #train department, #lie to auditor, #document, #inane prcedures

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The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We'll be having an ISO 9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do." The Boss continues, "I've divided our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive." Wally tells Dilbert, "I'll train our department to lie to the auditor. You can document our inane procedures." Dilbert replies, "No fair. You did unethical last time too!"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 24, 1998's comic on:

Tags #dogbert the consultant, #brain wash customoers, #long term goal, #train customers, #mail money, #advertsiements, #send them product

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Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert stands on chair facing the Boss who sits behind his desk. Dogbert says, "You must brainwash your customers to prefer your brand for no reason." Dogbert says, "The long-term goal is to train your customers to mail you money every time they see your advertisements." The Boss says, "Would we send them our product?" Dogbert says, "Hello-o-o, brain stem."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 30, 1998's comic on:

Tags #dogcart the consultant, #invisible robot, #empty box, #train support staff, #customers house, #sensors

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Caption: "Dogbert the consultant" Dogbert stands on a conference table. Dogbert says, "Some customers might complain that the invisible robot they bought from us.." Dogbert says, to Wally and Dilbert, "...is nothing but an empty box.. I will train our support staff to handle those calls." Caption: "Customer's House" A customer talks on the phone in his living room, near an empty cardboard box. He is terrified. The voice on the other end of the phone says, "According to our sensors, he's in your house... and he's watching you."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 11, 1994's comic on:

Tags #employee of month, #offered parking space, #wally takes train, #work hard to win, #doesn't need prize, #laughter, #meeting, #program, #business

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Dilbert, Wally, Alice, the Boss and another man sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "We've implemented an 'employee of the month award.'" The Boss explains, "The winner gets to park in a special space right behind the area reserved for managers!" Dilbert says, "That's like saying the very best employee isn't as good as the worst manager." The Boss replies, "No, you're just as good but . . . Uh . . . Less important." Wally says, "Personally, I'm feeling all charged up about this program!" Wally continues, "I'm going to work day and night to increase my chances for better parking!!" Everyone except the Boss laughs. Wally says, "But wait! I ride the train to work!" The Boss thinks, "We're off to a rocky start."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 19, 2003's comic on:

Tags #ceo, #secretary for a day, #deeply offended, #trivial, #train

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The Boss reads a memo, "The department that cuts costs the most will get our CEO as its secretary for a day." Carol says, "I'm deeply offended by the implication that my job is so trivial that it can used as a prize." The Boss replies, "Maybe you can train him to phone your kids and yell at them." Carol exclaims, "Not funny!!"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 07, 2004's comic on:

Tags #send threatening emails, #train new guy, #easily downsize later, #boss threatens alice, #job security, #male, #female, #training, #alices bad advice

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The Boss: "Alice, I want you to train Ned to do everything you do." "Don't worry that it will make you redundant more easily downsizeable." Alice: "I like to start each day by sending threatening e-mail to the board of directors."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 24, 2004's comic on:

Tags #take risks, #employees afraid, #train them, #stitch goals, #punishing for failure, #raise morale, #stopped complaints

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Catbert: "According to this report, our employees are afraid to take risks." The Boss: "We can train them to take risks by giving them stretch goals and punishing them for failing!" Catbert: "We did that to raise morale." The Boss: "It stopped all the complaining, didn't it?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 16, 2002's comic on:

Tags #best, #hire back, #not old job, #sales, #train you to lie, #worst, #desparate, #take anything, #need money, #job, #take advantage of, #business

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Catbert says to Dilbert, "We can hire you back but not at your old job." Dilbert responds, "That's okay. I'll do anything but sales. I would be the worst salesperson on Earth." Catbert says, "It's sales." Dilbert replies, "Did I just say worst when I meant best?" Catbert responds, "We'll have to train you to lie better."