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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 28, 2000's comic on:

Tags #beef eating, #just stress, #mandatory cpr, #middle aged men, #training for emplyees, #pear shaped

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Catbert says to Dilbert and Asok the Intern, "The company will be holding mandatory CPR training for all employees." Asok says, "GAA!!" The Boss looks on as Asok says to Catbert, "I am surrounded by pear-shaped, beef-eating, middle-aged men who I prefer not to touch." Catbert and The Boss look on as Asok rubs his chest and says, "Uh-oh... I hope that's just stress."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 18, 2000's comic on:

Tags #work place violence, #prevention training, #violent emplyees, #identify, #beards, #creepy, #ineffective males, #widely disprected

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Tina says to the group, "Welcome to workplace violence prevention training." Tina continues, "How can we identify potentially violent employees?" Wally raises his hand excitedly yelling, "Ooh! Ooh!" Tina says, "Wally?" Wally answers, "Do they have beards?" Tina replies, "Um...no. That was a stupid answer." Tina says, "Violent employees are usually creepy, inefficiently males who are widely disrespected." Dilbert raises his hand and asks Tina, "May I change seats?"

Training By Osmosis

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Training By Osmosis - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 29, 2018's comic on:

Tags #the boss, #formal, #training, #job, #absorb, #osmosis, #idiot, #rest, #staff

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The Boss: We don't have formal training for your job. Just hang around and see if you can absorb it through osmosis. Man: I'm an idiot for taking this job. The Boss: You're already thinking like the rest of the staff!

Mandatory Training

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Mandatory Training - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 28, 2019's comic on:

Tags #avoidance, #office, #office workers, #sarcasm, #training

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Boss: You haven't finished the mandatory compliance training modules. Alice: I'm waiting for a strategic time to do them. Boss: Oh, okay. Want to go to lunch? Alice: I would love to, but I have training modules to do.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 15, 2012's comic on:

Tags #big business, #budget, #contract employees, #training budget, #training, #contractor budget

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Boss: Out budget for contact employees was eliminated. We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. So instead of doing the job yourself... you'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. Dilbert: Why don't you just move some of the training budget to the contractor budget? Boss: If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. Dilbert: So... you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Boss: Right. Consultant: How do you stay in business? Boss: Our customers are even dumber than us.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 10, 2012's comic on:

Tags #better job, #goldilocks zone, #managers, #marinate in own stench, #monster, #skills expire, #technology certifictae, #training, #your training

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Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 24, 2012's comic on:

Tags #carbon dioxide, #exhales endangered species, #fabrications, #harbard, #higgs boson particle, #licorice and flashlight, #national football league, #no bragging rights, #no kids, #training for olympics

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Coworker: My daughter is training for the Olympics. My son is going to Harvard. Dilbert: I have no spawn of my own, so I claim the right to name a proxy to brag on my behalf. Topper, I need you. Topper: OF course you do. My daughter discovered the Higgs boson particle using nothing but licorice and a flashlight. My son inhales carbon dioxide and exhales endangered species while playing in the National Football League. Coworker: This isn't fair! You can't just make up stuff! Topper: According to the president of the International Society of Boasters, fabrications are acceptable. Coworker: I'd like to talk to that guy. Topper: You're looking at him. Dilbert: I win.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 17, 1990's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #accounting, #engineer, #breathed, #air, #irreversible, #bad, #attitude, #part, #training, #bradley

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Dilbert says to a witch, "No! You can't force me to work in accounting! I'm an engineer!" The witch replies, "It's too late . . ." The witch explains, "You came . . . You breathed the air . . . The change is irreversible . . . Bradley will train you." Spikes grow out of Dilbert's back and he begins to turn into a troll. Dilbert says, "I'm starting to get a bad attitude about this job . . ." Bradley the Troll replies, "Good. I can skip that part of the training."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 05, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dogbert, #consultant, #plunging, #problem, #easy, #solve, #training, #budget, #brains

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Dogbert stands in front of an easel and points to a diagram. The Boss and a woman sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "Your profits are plunging." Dogbert continues, "The problem will not be easy to solve." The diagram shows a large brain labeled "competitors," a smaller brain labeled "beavers," and a tiny brain labeled "you." The Boss asks, "So, what should we do? Cut the training budget again?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 21, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #profits, #low, #training, #class, #cute, #jumpy

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The Boss says to Dilbert, "Dilbert, profits are too low. I've got to let you go . . ." Dilbert says, "What!!" The Boss continues, ". . . To a training class." The Boss walks away thinking, "They're so cute when they get jumpy."