Two Jobs Forever Comic Strips
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The Boss says to Dilbert, "I need you to do Ted's job and your own job until we hire someone." Dilbert responds, "If I do well, you'll make me do two jobs forever. If I do poorly, I'll get no raise." The Boss replies, "I can't promise anything, but there might be some verbal praise down the road."
Headline: Performance Review. The Boss says to Dilbert, "You did two jobs for a year and you did them well." The Boss continues, "I have no budget for raises, so all I can offer is an attaboy." The Boss continues, "The problem is: I don't want to cheapen the whole attaboy system."
Dogbert stands on a stage holding a microphone. He addresses the audience, "Welcome to the 'Dogbert Time Management Lecture Series.'" Dogbert continues, "Sorry I'm an hour late, but I was giving another lecture across town . . . In effect, I'll complete two jobs while you sit in the dark like stunned cattle." Dogbert looks down at the audience and says, "I don't mean to rub it in, but mooo . . . "
"I surplussed Ted. You'll need to absorb his function." "Absorb his function?" "Are you telling me to do two jobs for one salary?" "No, I'm telling you to absorb his function.. in an absorptive fashion." "..Using osmosis, symbiosis, and synergy." "Can you change reality by inventing new names for ordinary things?" "I sure hope so. Otherwise my entire career has been a.. a.." "Tragic series of monkey-brained mistakes?" "Key learning."
Boss: I heard a rumor that you have two jobs and you outsource both of them to Elbonia and keep the difference. Wally: That's crazy. I assure you I don not have two jobs outsourced to Elbonia. Boss: Is it more than two? Wally: That's a different conversation.
Boss: Dilbert, your job performance is terrific. Dilbert: GAAA!!! That's code for "I'm going to fire someone else and make you do two jobs." Boss: Yes, but it's still better to be you than the guy I'm going to fire. Dilbert: We don't know that! This might be the wake-up call that spurs him on to greatness while I work myself to death in this cubicle. Boss: There's no way to please some people. Ted, you're fired. Ted: YES!
Alice says, "Did I tell you I'm doing two jobs now?" Dilbert says, "About a million times." Dilbert says, "You've complained about it so much that it's like a song I can't get out of my head." Alice says, "I only found out yesterday." Dilbert says, "I'm trying to get ahead of it."
Dilbert is sitting at his computer. He points to the screen and says to Dogbert, "I calculated the impact of work on my health and life expectancy." Dilbert continues, "At my current workload, doing two people's jobs, I have... six months to live." Dogbert responds, "Remind me in five and a half months so I can shop for a card."
Boss: I need a second opinion on a job applicant. His name is J.B. Hopper. He dresses in a bunny costume and he's had seventeen jobs in two years. Catbert: Are there any red flags? Boss: I can't tell if he's passionate or if he has rage issues.
Asok: I'm doing the job of three people and it isn't fair. Boss: Good point. Alice is doing the job of seven people. I'll give you two of her jobs to balance it out. Wally: So...is complaining better than hiding? Asok: No...you were right.