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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 16, 1999's comic on:

Tags #two more people, #enough direct reports, #vice president title, #strategy

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The boss reads a memo and thinks, "If I eliminate the training budget, I can afford to hire two more people." The Boss smirks, and thinks, "Then I'll have enough direct reports to get a vice president title." Dilbert says to The Boss, "Shouldn't we have a strategy?" The Boss says, "I have one. Thanks for asking."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 08, 2010's comic on:

Tags #coworker, #request, #people, #project, #generic advice, #sitting at desk, #tail wagging, #hate, #angry, #replace, #inspire

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Dogbert the Generic Manager Man says, "We need more people on the project." Dogbert says, "Figure it out. Work smarter not harder. Make a plan. Move some things around. Adjust priorities. Just get it done. Give me a status report." Man says, "That did nothing but make me hate you." Dogbert says, "I can replace you with someone who will pretend to be inspired."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 10, 2000's comic on:

Tags #doing it wrong, #response time, #sub second, #two seconds, #always right, #never wrong, #screaming

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Noriko says to Dilbert, "And we'll have sub-second response time. Dilbert says to Noriko, "Actually, it's already two seconds, and your change will add two more." Noriko exclaims to Dilbert, "Why do you always have to be right?!" Noriko says to Dilbert, "Just once can't you admit I'm right?" Dilbert says, "Okay, I admit that two plus two equals less than one." Noriko says, "I don't mean now, jerk. I mean in general." Dilbert says, "Okay. In general I admit that the rules of physics are optional." Noriko exclaims, "You're doing it wrong!!" Dilbert says, "You're right. My fault again."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 12, 2013's comic on:

Tags #flattery, #company, #boss, #flatter, #infinite people, #typewriter, #butter up, #business

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Wally: Our company needs more people like you. Not just more. We need infinite people just like you. Boss: Where is this going? Wally: And if each of you hat a typewriter, wow!

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 17, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #cubicles, #velcro, #strips, #cutting, #cost, #downsizing

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Dilbert says to a man, "I thought it was bad when they made us work in those little cubicles . . ." Dilbert continues, "Then they put two people in each cubicle . . . But we got used to it." Dilbert, Wally and two other people hang from the wall. Dilbert continues, "I guess we'll get used to Velcro strips, too."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 1991's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #sponsor, #swedish, #swim, #team, #expenses, #embarassing, #women's

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The Boss sits at his desk and says to Dilbert, "As you know, we're a sponsor for the Swedish women's swim team . . ." The Boss continues, "They're in town for a week, and all of the hotels are booked." The Boss asks, "Would you mind if they stayed at your house?" Dilbert looks surprised. The Boss hands Dilbert a check and says, "Naturally, we will pay all expenses and give you this $10,000 bonus." Dilbert looks at the check and thinks, "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy." The Boss stands behind him holding a piece of string attached to the check. The Boss yanks the string and pulls the check out of Dilbert's hands. The Boss and two other people laugh at Dilbert. Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "The embarrassing part is that it came so soon after the Swedish women's luge team prank."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 25, 1998's comic on:

Tags #email chain letter, #will die, #curse of dogbert, #certain death, #curse, #turns into dogs

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Asok is sitting at his computer terminal and thinks, "Oh no! I got an e-mail chain letter. It says I'll die if I don't send it to ten more people." Asok thinks, "But if I forward the message, the Curse of Dogbert will be upon me." Asok looks like Dogbert, as do Alice and Wally (dog ears and dog nose). Asok says, "...So, I figured a curse is better than certain death, right?" Wally says, "Spank you very much." Alice puts her hands on her hips and looks angry.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 05, 1993's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #juan, #hr

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Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert stands on the hassock holding a stack of documents. Dogbert says, "I'm building a permanent file of all the stupid things you say." Dilbert replies, "At least it's only a few pages long." Dogbert says, "This is just the table of contents." Dogbert continues, "The full database will be compressed on CD ROMS." Dogbert points to a man and says, "I hired Juan and his crew to design the system and type in the data." Juan says, "We're working overtime." Juan continues, "The new computer center is done . . . We had to level the neighbor's garage." Dilbert asks Dogbert, "By any chance, are you still upset that I asked you to fetch my slippers?" Dogbert asks Juan, "Did you get that one?" Juan writes on his clipboard and replies, "I'll need to hire more people."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 08, 1998's comic on:

Tags #not policy, #fire morons, #expensive, #make your job unpleasent, #so you quit, #porject, #bitten by coyoytes, #vested

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The Boss has his hand on Donald's shoulder. Donald shirt is untucked and his tie is askew. The boss says, "It's not my policy to fire morons, Donald. Firing is expensive." The boss says, "It's my policy to make your job so unpleasant that you quit." Dilbert says, "So, your project involves being bitten by coyotes?" Donald is covered by small coyotes. Donald says, "Only two more years and I'm vested."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 12, 1998's comic on:

Tags #boring meeting, #fidgeting, #distarcted, #pens

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Dilbert sits between Alice and Wally at a meeting. Someone is speaking, saying, "Blah, blah." Dilbert thinks to himself, "I can't believe I get paid for this." Dilbert looks down the table at his co-workers, all looking dazed. Dilbert thinks, "This thing lasts two more hours." Dilbert thinks to himself, "Maybe I should fidget with my pen." Dilbert looks at Wally who is fidgeting with his pen. Dilbert thinks, "I'm too late. Now I'd look uncreative." Dilbert continues to think to himself, "I wonder how long I could hold my breath." Wally continues to fidget with his pen and thinks, "Fidget." Dilbert holds his breath as Wally continues to fidget with his pen. Dilbert passes out and hits the ground with a "WHUMP!" Alice looks at Dilbert's feet propped up on the table as Wally grabs for Dilbert's pen. He says, "Ooh, TWO pens. What would THAT be like?"