Types Of People Comic Strips
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Dogbert: Each of you has already mastered the art of being useless at work. It's time to take it to the next level. Today I will teach you how to be toxic. Toxic people talk about two types of things. One: bring up topics that are sure to cause others to fight. Two: complain about your personal problems at every opportunity. Your homework is to practice at work tomorrow. Wally: I mentioned to Alice that you think her plan is kind of lame.
Catbert, the Evil H.R. Director, sits at his desk. He thinks, "I can't abuse people if they quit the company. I'd better find a way to reduce turnover." Catbert types into his PC, "All job titles will be changed as follows..." Wally stares at his computer screen and says, "My new title is... "Convicted Felon." Dilbert says, "That's look good on the ol' resume."
Tags #boss types, #handy refrence, #hostage taker, #cucbicle, #talks ear off, #vigorous head noodling, #subnet, #ip addresses, #motivational lair, #mushroom, #qualitize, #paradigm, #inundate, #bonus, #80 hour weeks, #moses, #perfect boss, #died thursday afternooon
The panel is titled, "Boss Types." Dogbert holds a pointer and says, "Find your boss on this handy reference." The caption says, "Hostage taker: Traps you in your cubicle and talks your ears off." A man stands in the doorway saying, "Blah blah." A man at a desk says, "Ow!!" as his ears fall off. The caption says, "Fraud: Uses vigorous head nodding to simulate comprehension." Dilbert says, "Then we'll subnet our IP addresses." The man next to him nods his head and says, "Oh yeah. Oh yeah." The caption says, "Motivational Liar: Has no clue what you do but says you're the best." A man says, "Nobody can do what you do!!" The woman thinks, "Except a mushroom." The caption says, "Over Promoted: Tries to mask incompetence with poor communication." Three people sit at a conference table. A man says, "Let's qualitize our paradigm so we don't over inundate with datums." The caption says, "Weasel: Takes credit for your hard work." A man holding a bag of money tells a woman, "This bonus is for brilliantly forcing your staff to work 80 hour weeks." The woman replies, "It wasn't easy!" The caption says, "Moses: Perpetually waits for clear signals from above." The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Don't do anything important yet." Wally replies, "Never have." The caption says, "Perfect Boss: Dies of natural causes on a Thursday afternoon." Alice looks at a dead body and asks, "Should we do something?" Wally yells, "Three day weekend!"
The Boss tells Alice, Wally and Dilbert, "Write up your accomplishments so I can decide who gets raises this year." Wally asks, "Are you saying our raises will depend on our ability to lie about our achievements?" The Boss replies as he walks away, "No, there's also favoritism." Dilbert says, "And don't forget the importance of minimizing the accomplishments of others." Dilbert sits at his desk and types, "This year I saved a billion dollars in ways which are impossible to verify." Wally types, "While the others plotted against you, I was applying an invisible rust inhibitor to your car." Alice says to Wally and Dilbert, "I can drop those off for you." Dilbert says, "Thanks." Dilbert asks Wally, "Have you noticed she's the only one who ever gets a raise?" Wally replies, "It's as if she has the accomplishments of three people."
Dilbert stands with a coffee cup behind Dogbert who wags his tail and types at his computer. Dilbert says, "What's your new management book about?" Dogbert types and says, "It's a bunch of obvious advice packaged with quotes from famous dead people." Dilbert says, "Did Gandhi really say "Get that #!% dessert cart off my foot!"?" Dogbert says, "He might have."
CEO: Studies show that tall people earn more than shorter people. So instead of doing performance reviews this year, we'll just measure your height and pay accordingly. And, of course, Alice will earn ten percent less than the men. I think that's a law.
Boss: What's the biggest risk with your plan? Dilbert: It's people. They're terrible once you get to know them. Boss: Then don't get to know them. Dilbert: I tried that with you and it didn't work.
ceo: even though i am you ceo, i work out of a cubicle just like normal people. you probably respect that. alice: no, it sounds stupid. ceo: then why am i torturing myself in that putrid cubicle? alice: see prior answer.
all parties wearing face masks. boss: i'm starting a whisper campaign against my rival in management. i want you to tell people he buys babies from the poor and eats them. dilbert: no one is dumb enough to believe that. boss: people will believe anything. dilbert: not anything. boss: yes, anything. dilbert: fine. i'll try it, but only to prove how wrong you are. office worker: how many does he eat per day? dilbert thinking: i need a new planet.