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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 02, 2011's comic on:

Tags #anxiety, #pessimism, #approve goal, #apathy, #plan to fire, #unimportant projects

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Ted: Did you approve my goals for next year? Boss: Yeah, whatever. Ted: Gaaa! Your apathy about my goals can only mean you to fire me within the next year! Catbert: Ha ha! Now give him unimportant projects. Boss: They all seem that way to me.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 03, 2015's comic on:

Tags #reasoning, #excuse, #leadership, #Promotion, #promote

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Boss: I can't promote you because you didn't have an impact on anything important. Dilbert: How can I have an impact on important things when you put me on unimportant projects? Boss: That sounds like an excuse. Dilbert: What's the difference between an excuse and a great reason? Boss: It depends who says it. Leaders have great reasons when things don't work out, but losers just have excuses. Dilbert: So... you can turn my excuses into great reasons by promoting me? Boss: No, because I can't promote you. Dilbert: That sounds like an excuse.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 13, 2008's comic on:

Tags #boss request, #help coworker, #own work, #projects, #projects suffer, #time management

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The Boss: Dilbert, I need you to help Ted on his project. Dilbert: If Ted's project succeeds, who will get the credit? The Boss: Ted will. It's his project. Dilbert: What if it fails? The Boss: That would be your fault for not helping him enough. Dilbert: If I spend my time helping Ted, my own projects will suffer. The only way this makes sense is if my projects are unimportant and so am I. The Boss: If it makes you feel any better, Ted and his projects are unimportant too.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 07, 2011's comic on:

Tags #engineers, #managers & supervisors, #ventriloquism, #finishing projects, #early, #powerpoint, #presentation, #executive retreat, #dead boss hand puppet, #business

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Man says, "The engineering department is finishing all of their projects early and we don't know why." CEO says, "Tell them to do a powerpoint presentation at the next executive retreat to share their methods." Asok says, "Now it's my turn to use the dead boss hand puppet!" Alice says, "Uh-oh."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 10, 2011's comic on:

Tags #anxiety, #stress, #meltdown cubicle, #theoretical workload limit, #brains full, #becomes overdue, #projects overdue, #tasks, #urgent, #funny noise, #missed dead line

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Voice: Meltdown in cubicle 459540! Dilbert: That's Te. He must have reached his T.W.L. Asok: His what? Dilbert: Theoretical workload limit. In layman's terms, his brain is full. It starts when just one of your projects becomes overdue. You end up spending all of your time explaining why you didn't get it done. That makes all of your other projects overdue. When ever task become urgent, your brain can't decide what to do next. Brains make a funny noise when they shut down. Noise: Poink. Asok: Uh-oh. I just missed a deadline. Wally: And so it begins.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 26, 2011's comic on:

Tags #commerce, #economic policy, #utax incentives, #projects, #tax savings, #executive bonuses, #stimulate economy, #trickle on your heads, #trickle down theory, #poker night

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The Boss says, "We've decided to use the new tax incentives on the projects we were going to do anyway." The Boss says, "The tax savings will go toward executive bonuses, which stimulate the economy via the 'trickle on your heads' theory." Alice says, "It's called the 'trickle down' theory." The Boss says, "Not on poker night."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 03, 2012's comic on:

Tags #laziness, #office workers, #encouragement, #career plans, #misjudge, #5 year plan, #legacy sytems, #retirement, #projects, #protect heart, #plenty of naps, #quality of work, #pension fund, #new career plan

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Catbert: Wally, you can't float through life with no goals and no ambition. Wally: You misjudge me. I have my entire career planned out. My five-year plan is to avoid any sort of work in which my individual accomplishments can be measured. I'll hoard knowledge about one of our legacy systems so I seem indispensable. When I get to within four years of retirement, I'll only work on projects that have a five-year payback. I'll protect my cardiovascular system by getting plenty of naps and not caring about the quality of my work. Then I'll stick a straw in our pension fund and suck on it for the next forty years. Boss: Did you get him straightened out? Catbert: No, but I got a new career plan for myself.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 29, 1992's comic on:

Tags #the boss, #unimportant, #requires, #action, #route, #subordinate, #inflating, #perceived, #importance, #destroying, #morale, #productivity, #luck, #copies

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The Boss sits at his desk looking through a stack of documents and thinking, "Here's something else that's totally unimportant yet requires action." The Boss thinks, "I'll route it to a subordinate, thus inflating its perceived importance and destroying both morale and productivity." The Boss thinks, "What luck, I got two copies!"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 1993's comic on:

Tags #the boss, #budget, #impact, #projects, #bullet, #points, #oxygen, #competition, #jello, #detailed, #senior, #executives

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A woman stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I summarized the budget impacts on six hundred projects with those three bullet points." The Boss reads, "- Oxygen is good. - Competition is bad. - I like Jello." The woman asks, "Do you think it's too detailed for the senior executives?" The Boss replies, "Take out the 'competition' one."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 23, 1993's comic on:

Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #Wally, #ted, #bussiness projects

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Ted sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "As you know, all projects are assigned acronyms. Unfortunately, all the good ones have been used." The Boss says, "Any new project will have to use an acronym from this short list of somewhat less desirable choices." Dilbert asks, "What should I call my new project?" The Boss replies, "Well, you could use 'PHLEGM' or 'PLACENTA.'"