Useless People Comic Strips
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1000 Results for Useless People
View 1 - 10 results for useless people comic strips. Discover the best "Useless People" comics from Dilbert.com.
Monday April 25,
2005
Tags #evil director, #expect raises, #bad ratings, #reflect poorly, #ability to motivate, #useless people, #feel bad
Transcript
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert: "Don't rate any employees "excellent" because then they'd deserve raises." "Don't give any bad ratings either because it would reflect poorly on your ability to hire and motivate people." The boss: "How will I make the useless people feel bad if I'm rating them "good"?" Catbert: "Try using this scowl."
Wednesday July 31,
2013
Tags #meetings, #telephones, #work ethic, #teleconference, #phone on mute, #nap, #weaselable
Transcript
Coworker: Can you attend our Tuesday meeting? Wally: I'll teleconference. Coworker: That will make me wonder if you called in, put your phone on mute, and took a nap. Wally: We useless people call that weaselable doubt.
Friday August 07,
2015
Motivation Is Magical Thinking
Tags #motivation, #magic, #inspiration, #futility, #futile, #honesty, #hard truth
Transcript
Dogbert: Motivation is a form of magical thinking in which you imagine that your words can turn useless people into high achievers. Boss: But it totally works, right? Dogbert: Yes, because magic is real. Boss: Is it hard to learn? Dogbert: Not if you already know how to lie.
Thursday May 12,
2016
Complexity Is A Good Thing For Wally
Tags #technology, #inventions, #scapegoat, #excuse, #laziness, #work ethic
Transcript
Wally: People say the complexity of modern life is a bad thing. But for useless people such as me, it creates endless opportunities. Boss: Why aren't you done yet? Wally: My smartwatch was infected with ransomware.
Sunday July 10,
2011
Tags #anger, #quarreling, #mastered art, #being useless, #next level, #toxic, #toxic people, #complain, #personal problems
Transcript
Dogbert: Each of you has already mastered the art of being useless at work. It's time to take it to the next level. Today I will teach you how to be toxic. Toxic people talk about two types of things. One: bring up topics that are sure to cause others to fight. Two: complain about your personal problems at every opportunity. Your homework is to practice at work tomorrow. Wally: I mentioned to Alice that you think her plan is kind of lame.
Sunday April 03,
2011
Tags #executives, #interviews, #ceo's interview series, #company priftable, #credit, #overpaid and useless, #dumb employees, #highest bidder, #blackmail, #interview
Transcript
Dogbert says, "I don't like people." Dogbert says, "What makes your company so profitable?" CEO says, "I give all of the credit to our fine employees." Dogbert says, "Is that another way of saying you're overpaid and useless?" CEO says, "Um... no. I'm their leader. I set the direction." Dogbert says, "Because the employees are too dumb to set their own direction?" CEO says, "No! They're smart!" Dogbert says, "But not as smart as you?" CEO says, "Who's going to see this?" Dogbert says, "No one, assuming you're the highest bidder." Dogbert's CEO Interview Series
Saturday June 18,
2011
Tags #anxiety, #work ethic, #worry, #indispensible, #fired, #useless, #riskier, #toe clip, #20 years of service
Transcript
Asok: Wally, should I try to become indispensable so I won't be fired? Wally: No. Indispensable people end up working too hard because they can't risk showing anyone else how to do what they do. Asok: Being useless seems riskier. Wally: Have you seen the tie clip I got for 20 years of service?
Friday October 27,
1995
Tags #redundant projects, #big binder, #seems useful, #useless binders, #build my addition
Transcript
A co-worker says to Dilbert, "Three other people asked for that same information. You must be on redundant projects." The man hands Dilbert a binder and says, "Here's a big binder which at first glance seems useful, but you'll realize later it's not." The man says, "I've got a few more useless binders. Do you want 'em?" Dilbert says, "Sure. I'm using them to build an addition to my cubicle."
Thursday April 29,
2010
Tags #meeting, #project, #length, #add people, #months, #useless, #sit down, #business
Transcript
The Boss says, "How long will your project take if I add two people?" Dilbert says, "Add one month for training, one month for the extra complexity, and one month to deal with their drama." The Boss says, "But after all of that?" Dilbert says, "They'll be as useful as this meeting."
Sunday January 25,
2015
Tags #alienation, #deception, #strategy, #toxic, #toxic relationship, #work ethic, #useless, #ambitous, #meetings, #incomplete information, #anxious, #hateful
Transcript
Wally: I'm already useless, but I'm thinking about becoming toxic as well. Dilbert: That seems ambitious for you. Wally: Think it through. As a useless person, I still get invited to meetings because I don't cause much trouble. But if I go full-toxic, no one will invite me to meetings in the first place. I can avoid a lot of work by nipping it in the bud. Dilbert: Is it hard to be toxic? How do you do it? Wally: It's easy. All you do is provide incomplete information that makes people anxious and hateful. I can't tell you what was said in that last meeting, but I defended you.