An employee explains to the Boss: "We don't pay enough to hire brilliant people for our web team." She continues: "I need webiot savants who don't know they should have better jobs." At a hiring interview the the applicant says: "I'd expect stock options, of course." She turns and yells, "Next!!"
Asok: If being selfish is necessary for success, how can I claim to be a team player? Wally: I like to use a tool called hypocrisy. Asok: That is actually a character flaw. Wally: Oh. No wonder people are so prickly about it.
Dilbert: Is everyone ready to go to lunch yet? I've been waiting for ninety minutes. Alice: We just got back. No one noticed you weren't with us. Dogbert: How was your team-building lunch? Dilbert: Suboptimal.
Boss: This year's team-building event will be a dance. No alcohol will be served. The event is for employees only, and you're not allowed to touch each other. Have a great time. Dilbert: How?
Wally: I noticed some inefficiencies in another department, so I formed a Kaizen team to find solutions. I asked some of the peopl in that department to be on the team, but they were busy being inefficient. With any luck, my ignorance of their function will be seen as an aggressive type of objectivity.
Boss: I'd like to begin the meeting by giving Dilbert some destructive criticism. Everything you do is dumb. I don't know why I hired you. I feel much more motivated now. If you feel a little bit worse, we came out ahead as a team.
Co-worker: Why are all the engineers in this meeting squirming when I talk? Did your boss order you to act like team players during this meeting and later thwart me by inaction? Answer me!
The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and Alice, "I'm sending all of you to the 'Rivers and Trees' management course." The Boss continues, "There you'll be asked to perform a variety of dangerous tasks in the woods. Your survival will depend on your creativity and ability to work together." Dilbert says, "Oh, so it's a team-building exercise." The Boss replies, "I think of it more as a headcount reduction thing."
An instructor says to Dilbert, Wally and Alice, "This next exercise is always a favorite." The instructor points to a muddy streambed and says, "Using only a rope, your team must figure out how to cross the muddy patch without getting your feet dirty." The instructor lies across the muddy patch, bound by the rope. He says, I could have been a forest ranger, but no-o-o-o . . ."
The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and Alice, "In order to build team spirit I've decided you should have lunch together once a week." The Boss continues, "I won't be there myself because it would seriously cut into my free time." The Boss continues, "Besides, it's my job to motivate, not get bogged down in the details."
