2003 Comic Strips

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #selective breeding, #produce offspring, #no biometric impression, #no pulse, #no fingerprints, #no dna

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally says, "For thousands of generations the males in my family practiced selective breeding." Wally continues, "The goal was to produce offspring that leave no biometric impression: no pulse, no fingerprints, no DNA." Dilbert asks, "Why?" Wally responds, "We like to ask, 'Why not?'"

Dilbert Characters

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dimwitted twins, #free long distance, #low cost video phones

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert: "My plan is to sell low-cost video-phones to dimwitted identical twins." Dogbert continues, "I'll even throw in free long-distance calling because that's the kind of guy I am." A man looks into a mirror and exclaims, "Gaaa!!! What are you doing at my girlfriend's house????"

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #reporter, #dump garbage inparks, #20 years, #spreading, #secret

View Transcript

Transcript

Carol approaches The Boss and says, "A reporter wants to see you." Carol continues, "He claims we've been delivering all of our garbage to the local park for twenty years." Carol asks, "How is that even possible?" The Boss replies, "The secret is in the spreading."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #investigative reporter, #garbage dumps, #wasteful car, #tires, #park, #boss, #wasteful

View Transcript

Transcript

Investigative Reporter. A reporter and cameraman follow The Boss out of the building. The reporter says, "Explain why your company dumps garbage in the park." The Boss climbs into his giant car. The reporter continues, "And why do you drive such a huge, wasteful vehicle?" The Boss approaches Asok and says, "I need you to scrape something off my tires and take it to the park."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #boss, #delight, #lower pay, #new member, #project team, #shirt backwards

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss introduces a coworker to Dilbert, "Dilbert, I got a new member for your project team." The coworker extends his hand and says, "My name is Ron but everyone calls me Mo. I don't know why." Dilbert asks, "Mo, why is your shirt on backward?" Mo looks down and exclaims, "What??! Again??!" Mo extends his arms and says, "Stand back. I'll try to fix it by quickly turning around." Mo spins and exclaims, "Aaagh! Hu-aah!" Mo is turned away from Dilbert. Mo says, "Oh, great. Now Dilbert is gone. I must have entered another dimension." Dilbert looks at Mo from behind, puzzled. Dilbert approaches The Boss and says, "Please tell me that his pay is lower than mine." The Boss grins and thinks, "I love this part."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #self evaluation, #performance review, #core values, #honesty, #integrity, #Wally, #dishonest

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: I need your self evaluation so I can write your performance review. Remember to rate yourself on our core values of honesty and integrity. Wally claims he did no work this year. But he's so dishonest , so you can't be sure.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #eat, #headquarters, #misunderstand, #mouth, #need shreded, #shredder

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: all shredders are nbeing centralized at our corporate headquarters. If you need something shredded, give it to ask. Dilbert: dude, I think he meant you would take it to the shredders. Asok: mouth....so...dry

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #alice, #mulitask, #one person, #schedule, #second task, #two task, #write a patch, #timeline

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: How do I make this software schedule one persons to two task at the same time? I can write a patch that inserts new months in the timeline. The Boss: and the second task is due on the fifteenth of Floopuary.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #40 hours, #everyone, #likes asok, #minute old, #new system, #work one computer, #extreme programming

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss says to Wally, Dilbert, Asok, and Alice, "We're going to try something called Extreme Programming." The Boss continues, "First, pick a partner. The two of you will work at one computer for forty hours a week." Dilbert and Alice jump on Asok and cling to him. Wally says, "The new system is a minute old and I already hate everyone."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #extreme programming, #ruin my life, #user story, #Features

View Transcript

Transcript

Extreme Programming. Dilbert says to a business associate, "I can't give you all of these features in the first version." Dilbert continues, "And each feature needs to have what we call a 'user story.'" The business associate responds, "Okay, here's a story: you give me all of my features or I'll ruin your life.'"